It's not, "what happened???"

In our house we use a familiar phrase, "Wit happened."

It works in place of, "What happened?"

Something broken?  Wit happened.

Something cut up or torn to pieces?  Wit happened.

Huge crash coming from mom & dad's room?  Wit happened.

Apple juice cascading down the fridge?  Wit happened.

Candy wrappers shoved in all the floor vents?  Wit happened.

Dog food trail all over the house?  Wit happened.

I bet you are getting the drift.  Wit is our lovable, energetic, 100% independent child.  Pretty typical of a third kid.  He is street smart.  Lives life to the EDGE AND LOUDLY.    A go-getter.  If he wants it, he will find a way.

AT FULL SPEED.

He is a walking bruise.  Scabs on both knees and elbows.  Always.

But, boy, is he charming. 

My biggest fear and challenge mothering him is that I have to constantly think 3 steps ahead.  I can usually anticipate what he is going to do, but sometimes not in time.  Sometimes I am too late.  Sometimes he gets hurt or something gets broken.  I can't tell you how many times I have woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about "what could have been." 

I have never been more aware that God is in control, not me.  This child has brought me to my knees praying earnestly for safety and protection.

I am convinced that God has heard my prayers.

A couple of weeks ago could have been one of those horrible moments that would have changed our lives forever. 

But God.

Wit and I were in a parking lot talking to a dear friend.  Wit was getting wild and started climbing on the roof of my van.  He does that.  I hate it.  I finally got him off the van and opened the doors to let him climb inside while I finished my conversation.

The van was off.

In park.

Keys in my purse.

I opened the two front doors to let the air move through while he climbed around.  I saw him climb from the middle row up to the front.  He was sitting on the arm rest between the driver's seat and passenger's.  He jerked his body forward reaching for something.

And the van started to move.

We were parked on a really steep and dangerous hill.

I was struggling to comprehend why the van was moving and started to run alongside it.  All the while, Wit started to scream.

He was still in the front, doors open.

I thought maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could run and jump into the car.  There was no way.  It was moving faster now.

My friend and I were trying desperately to hold on and run with it.

We couldn't keep up.

We had to let go.

I just kept praying that Wit wouldn't jump out, or fall out.  He would have been run over, I am certain of it.

The van continued to roll down and pick up speed.  Forty feet ahead was a small cliff.  It was headed straight for it. 

With my baby.

(I thought I could write this and not get emotional...)

(Ugly cry)

(Deep breath)

All of the sudden, the van turned sharply, jumped a huge curb and rolled down a steep grassy hill.

Then it slammed to a STOP in the side of a church. 

All I could think about was getting my baby out of that car as fast as possible.  My friend grabbed her phone and called for help.  I ran for Wit.

He was still in the front seat.  Crying.  Screaming.

I pulled him out and ran.

We collapsed on the grassy hill and all I could do was whisper...

THANK YOU, JESUS.

Over and over and over.

Wit was in shock and couldn't speak for a little while.  All he had was a bruise on his left arm where he hit the cup holder.

The van?  The back end completely folded in.  Glass everywhere.  Bricks from the building on the ground.

Pictures don't do it justice.

It could have been a disaster.  But God saved my baby.  God saved our family. 

God saved me.

It was my dear friend that held me tightly and showed me that the van crashed right under the church steeple.  Twenty feet under the cross.  I have never been more convinced that God is in control.

It didn't take Wit long to rebound.  He is still as wild and crazy as ever.  There is a small part of me that wishes this would have changed his fearlessness just a little.  He isn't afraid of anything.

But I am.  I am fearful that one day I will miss it.  One day I will let my guard down just enough to not see what danger is in front of him.  One day, I won't be there to catch him.

Then, I am reminded, that on this day, I couldn't do anything.  God did it all. 

And will continue to do it.  He never sleeps.  Never lets His guard down.  Never drops the ball.

He whispers, "Trust me, Janelle.  I love him, too."

"Wit happened."

Praise God for that.

one thousand gifts...a dare

I am currently in a book that is literally MESSING WITH ME. Twisting me inside and out.  Turning my whole relationship with God on it's head.  In a good way.  A better way.

I am realizing that I have kept God at arm's length pretty much my entire life.  I know He is "there" wherever that really is. But do I really KNOW Him?  Do I FEEL Him?  Daily?  Anytime?  Ever?

Do I hear Him whisper to me? 

Do I sense He is near?

There are times that I can say YES!! 

But more often, I can't.  Sadly, that tends to perpetuate the arm's length relationship that has existed for many years.  It's my fault.  I haven't been intentional AT ALL with our relationship for some time.  I haven't put in the time or the effort into getting the most out of our friendship. 

And I was the one to suffer.  Suffer through some pretty dark places in my heart.  Wander through my own personal desert.  {Anyone relate?}  I felt the urgency to change the situation.  A phone call from a friend regarding a new Bible study WITH CHILDCARE {amen?} was the invitation I needed.  Through the study, my friend and I made a pretty huge decision to start waking up at 5:00am to workout and have quiet time.  We committed to a two week trial period and currently we are on week seven.  PRAISE!

Throughout this time, I started reading Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts.  A dare to LIVE FULLY right where you are are. 

This book?

MIND BLOWING.

Thankfulness is interwoven in her achingly beautiful story.  How she connected giving thanks, to JOY and GRACE has left me breathless.  Here are some of her words.

"As long as thanks is possible, then joy is possible.  JOY IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE.  Whenever, meaning now:  wherever, meaning here..  The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience.  The joy wonder could be here!  Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be--unbelievable--possible!  The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now.

I whisper it out loud, let the tongue feel these sounds, the ear hear their truth.

Charis.  Grace

Eucharisteo.  Thanksgiving

Chara.  Joy

A threefold cord that might hold life?  Offer a way up into the fullest life?

Grace, thanksgiving, joy.  Eucharisteo."

I am still making my way through this book.  It's not one to rush, it's one to savor and ponder.  It's one that challenges you to find God around you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.  Look for Him.  Thank Him.  Experience Him.  Adore Him.

I reached #300 on my list of 1000 gifts this morning and thought I would share some of them with you.  It's already changed me.  I have seen God in places that I would have walked right by before.  He is there.  All there.

1.  A dark, quiet 5:00am house.

8.  Painting Langley's toes, making her feel special

15.  Texts from Skip...anytime.  He loves me.

19.  Knowing what is for dinner {amen??}

28.  First hugs of the day.

33.  My mom and her willingness to help.

41.  To-Do list that gets DONE

45.  Loving teachers.

46.  Opening the dryer to find towels, NOT WHITES!!  {seriously}

48.  Active grandparents that want relationships with my kids!  Both sides!!!

52.  I can argue with God and He is totally OK with that.

78.  Homemade tortillas {Alana, are you reading that??  Ha!}

111.  Zeb's baseball coach  {He's HOT}

119.  Easter Sunday

135.  My Grannie's strength and beauty

150.  Clean bathrooms along a running trail.  {Carissa!!}

200.  Zeb turns 11!!! 

212.  Zeb pitching a winning game!! 

243.  Day of rest for our family!  Rare and needed

249.  Date night with Langley at Panera. 

256.  Wit learning to fish.

281.  Friends that tell the truth....even when you don't want to hear it.

283.  Much needed time snuggling with Skip and the TIVO.

294.  My brother coming to play with the kids and eat dinner.

299.  The assurance that GOD is control, not me.

300.  FINDING WIT'S BLANKET, aka "soggy".  {holla!!}

God is in all those things.  I know He is.

He cares about me.

He cares about you.

I'm thankful.

 

On eating elephants.

Zeb's 4th grade teacher is a master at motivating her students. She relates to them in such an honest, pure, and humorous way. She has a gift for teaching squirmy (and sometimes smelly) 4th graders. Watching her in action is like being in the presence of greatness.  Truly.

In April, they took the state-mandated achievement tests. For two weeks students labored over the MAP standardized test and it was quite overwhelming. Mrs. P. told her kids to look at the test in terms of eating an elephant.

You don't sit down at your table and gooble up an entire elephant in one sitting. You have to plan it. You have to take it slowly. You have to take the elephant in small sections or you will get completely overwhelmed.

She would say this to them and they would giggle. Eating an elephant is quite the word picture.  But it was something that stuck with these 10-year-olds.  They learned to slow down and take the test one chunk at a time.

One day at a time.

Until it was over.

That is how I feel now after ALL THE STUFF that has happened in my family these past few weeks.  The recovery period for my brother, my father-in-law, and my mom seems like a pretty big elephant sitting there on my kitchen table.  There is a lot of work to do before they are all healthy.  When I look at the BIG PICTURE I get scared and overwhelmed.  Like if I was told to eat a whole elephant in one sitting.  When/IF I remember Mrs. P's advice and start breaking it down,  it seems much more manageable.

One day at a time.

For the most part, everyone is doing really well.  My brother is regaining strength and mobility everyday.  He is learning how to eat better and eliminate stress factors.  His blood pressure is now down in the healthy range that it should have been all these years.  The progress he is making is nothing short of a miracle.  God has given him a second chance at life.  I am so proud of him.  He will beat this!

My father-in-law, Ralph 2, is also gaining strength.  He stubbornly tried to work yesterday and the heat literally wiped him out.  He needs to take some time for rest and recuperation.  I think he (mistakenly) feels like he is invincible.  I do hope that he can be healthy for many many more years.  I would love to see him permanantly retire and go on his dream vacation to Australia. 

My mom is one-handed and will be for the next 6-8 weeks.  But the good news (for now) is that the doctor feels like she doesn't need surgery to heal.  She will go back in a week for more x-rays, but (for now) the doctor is satisfied with her progress.  I know she is frustrated.  It is really hard on her to be "handicapped" in any way.  She is a worker and has a huge responsibility taking care of my brother.  But she is determined to make the best of it. 

It's so easy for me to look at the BIG PICTURE (or the giant elephant) and get completely overwhelmed.  Nothing good comes from me freaking out.  I promise you that. 

So I remember to breathe. 

In and out. 

Make a plan.

Bite off small chunks.

And pretty soon the elephant will be gone.

One day at a time.

**If you clicked here looking for an elephant recipe, I am sorry.  No elephants are actually being eaten.  Not by me and not by any 4th graders that I know.  I heart metaphors.

Finding myself at a loss for words.

I have been meaning to post for the last two weeks but haven't known where to begin.  Two weeks ago our lives changed in ways we never expected.  A season of hardship ushered in blowing drought-like winds over our tired bodies.

Just two short weeks ago we were...

• celebrating the end of diapers FOREVER
• making our summer bucket list
• going on play dates
• having sleepovers
• celebrating my step-dad's tournament victory on our hometown lake
• making 4th of July potluck plans
• planning a trip to St. Louis with some of our best friends

Life changes in the blink of an eye.

Two weeks ago my brother had a stroke and Skip's dad had a heart attack.  Both within two days of each other.  Both in two different hospitals in our area.  Both serious.

As if that wasn't enough.  My family also had 3 rounds of stomach flu and 1 throat virus with high fevers to manage.  Add in other heavy and very sad life issues surrounding us.  Our small corner of the world was hit hard.

We adapted.

Our schedules, our kids, our plans, our calendar, our desires all adapted to fit the needs of this crisis.  Skip and I passed each other coming and going from one hospital to another.  Our kids went from friend to friend to friend.  I struggle with asking for help.  Meaning that it must be a weakness of some sort to admit that you are struggling and need your friends.  It's not.  My friends busted down the wall I was building and love poured through the cracks.  Every text, every call, every meal, every offer for kids was perfectly timed in my weakest moments. 

God knew what I needed and when.  And He made my friends even more amazing.

Both men are home from their respective hospitals and are slowly getting nursed back to health.  Both will take some time before they are back to normal.  Life slowly is starting to fall back into place.  Our vacation plans to St. Louis were cancelled.  But we adapted, once again and had a staycation (post coming) with our friends.  Smiles have started to replace worry lines.

Then yesterday.

My mom, who is nursing my brother back to health, fell and broke her wrist in two places.  Two very bad breaks.  She finds out tomorrow whether those breaks will require surgery to heal.  (Oh, please Lord, no)

My heart can't take any more hurt.

I am finding myself at a loss for words.

My God understands.

He can read between the silent broken pieces of my heart.

My job.  Keep laying down my fears, my worries, my anger, my doubts, my weariness, my will.

At His feet.

At the cross.

Wait for joy.

And rest.

Where HE met me.

As a mom I try my hardest to make my kids' lives easy, or at least easier.

I know which shirt they like to wear the most and I try my dangdest to make sure it's always clean when they need it.

I know what school lunches they like and which they don't. Again, I try to stay on top of it so they have a lunch they like to eat.

I know that they are just plain starved when they get home from school and I try to have a hearty snack ready to fill their bellies.

I know who likes chocolate milk and who likes Sunny D and try to have both in stock.

I know which shoes they will wear with their favorite shirt so I have them ready by the door in the morning.

I know they both shower in the morning so I try to stagger their schedules so they can both have plenty of hot water.

ETC. ETC. ETC.

The things that can be made easy for them, I try my hardest to see that it is.  I know there are plenty of things that they have to walk through on their own.  They face struggles, failures and just plain hard things.  There are things I can fix and things I can't. 

And shouldn't.

As they grow, I hope they (ahem...start to) appreciate the things I made easier for them simply because I love them.

Today, I got to witness first hand that same love for me through my Father.

I had to make a trip to the Big City with Wit just to run in 3 places.  The driving time was longer than my actual errands.  I absolutely DREAD running errands with a two year old who is constantly running away from me at break neck speed.  There isn't a device here on Earth that contains that child.  A simple thing like running errands is like pulling all my arm hair out one by one.

Anyone?  Anyone?

My first stop was Hobby Lobby.  I just needed 9 visors for our softball team.  I should have known that God would have showed up at the Hobby Lobby.  It's practically church.  Closed on Sundays with Christian music piped over the intercom.  It's a close second to the real thing.

But, I digress.

I needed 9 black visors.  I walked straight to that aisle with blinders over my eyes.  Heaven help me through all the cute stuff.  In the aisle, guess how many black visors they had in stock?  Nine.  I was in and out in 3 minutes. 

I know!

Next stop was a sporting good's store for 13 pairs of pink tie-dye socks.  After dragging the toddler out of the car and deeming the store too cluttered for a stroller, we walked straight to the sock display.  Guess how many pink tie-dye socks they had in stock.  Thirteen.  Again, we were in the store just a few short minutes and on our way to our last errand that had a drive-thru.

Driving home, I was smiling at the fact that each store had EXACTLY the amount that I needed.  Then it hit me that God did that for me.  God took something that I was dreading and made it easy. 

Just for me. 

Just because He could.

Just like I do (or try to do) every day with my kids.

God, in his merciful fatherly tenderness, loved on me today.  He reminded me that I am the apple of HIS eye. 

His beloved daughter.

It's such a small thing really.  But it meant the world to me.  The things He can make easy, He does.  There are things He can't.  There are things and choices that I have to walk through and struggle with.  There are times of failure, times of stress.  Times of agony, times of pain.  Times of loss, times of heartache.

But the things He can make easy, He does.

Simply because He is a proud daddy.


***************************
Don't forget to enter my MOTHER'S DAY giveaway!!  Ends THURSDAY, MAY 5 at noon.

Because sometimes I whine about stupid things.

On Tuesday, Langley's class went on a field trip to our local college. They toured the jelly kitchen, the mill, the museum, the Star School, and the dairy.

It was during the dairy part of the trip that I whipped out my phone to take pictures of the cutey dairy cows in an effort to woo this amazing blog friend to pack up her family and move to B-Town. Her husband is a veterinarian who works with dairy cows and I wanted to prove to her that we have us some COWS.  As I was texting her pictures I had the fleeting thought that maybe I depend too much on my phone. 

Addicted??

Nah.  That's crazy talk.

Two hours later my phone broke.

Lord?  Is that you? 

I have now been without a phone for two days and feel like I want to whine mightily about it.  I was all set to do that until I drove around town yesterday.

Nothing like a trip just mere miles away from my comfortable home to realize that THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WORSE OFF.

Our small town is flooded in many parts.  People have lost their homes and businesses with more water coming our way.  The surrounding lakes and streams are full.  The dam is releasing more water than ever recorded in history.

I had my camera with me. Even though they aren't great pictures, they show the devastation our area is experiencing. 

This dock was half a mile from my neighborhood.

Half a mile from my comfortable life.

A park in my grandma's neighborhood.

It's amazing to see in person.

Water takes over everything.

There was flooding in my grannie's neighborhood.  Thankfully, her house was spared.

View of the kamp my kids go to in the summer.  Lower fields completely under water.

Zipline course at the summer kamp.

Goose wandering the streets looking for food.



Someone's backyard.  Their front was worse.  House completely under water.  Only in the Ozarks would there be a broken down house boat in someone's flooded backyard.  We might be rednecks.



Back yards and front all taken over.  This is where the police asked gawkers like me to move on.

A look at the swollen lake.

The force of the water coming off the dam got us completely soaked about a mile away.  Nothing compares to the power and majesty of water.  Devasting and beautiful.

Looking at these pictures makes me sad.  It makes me realize that NOTHING IS FOREVER.

Not our phones.

Not our homes.

Not our cushy lives.

The ONLY thing that is forever is Jesus!  Our rock.  Our fortress.  Our safety in times of struggle.  With HIM, nothing can hurt us.

Not even the floodwater.

I am humbled.

Pure Joy and Cardboard Testimonies

Last night I was honored to attend a women's event called "Pure Joy". This event is the brainchild of two sisters. Two sisters willing to put themselves and their passion on the line for women. This was the 2nd annual Pure Joy conference in B-Town and I missed the first one. I wasn't really sure what I expected, but let me just say...it blew my mind.

Six hundred and fifty-ish women from all different churches and denominations came together in corporate worship and amazement. Brave women shared their powerful testimonies on loss and abuse and bad choices. Women cried and laughed and held each other as they shared their own pain. There were parts of the evening that were so thick and hard to navigate, but God was there speaking to all of our hearts about trusting Him and giving all to Him and being AMAZED by Him.

God showed up!

I came into the event pretty comfortable in my own little life. I have my struggles, but so does everyone. Somehow you manage to just "suck it up" and move forward. I have become too comfortable with my junk. Anyway, I sat next to a friend and we laughed and chatted away. Then the worship started and so did the tears, seemingly out of nowhere. As the music poured over me I realized that I have become DRY CRACKED SOIL. The music was like LIVING WATER pouring down into my dry spaces.

I didn't know.

I didn't know I had become so dry and desperate for God. I thought things were going fine lately. I didn't know what I had allowed myself to become by not spending daily time with Him. My prayer is that God will keep this on my heart and remind me daily the feeling of being DRY AND SCORCHED. I want to chose the Living Water.

I was asked to help with a portion of the night called Cardboard Testimonies. It is a quick way to tell your story. On one side you sum up something significant in your life. Then on the other side you write how God carried you through that. The struggle and the victory. I have heard about the power of this moment but to witness it firsthand...I have no words. The night before we met and wrote our testimonies. There were several women participating in this event. I saw what many women wrote and I immediately became insecure about my story, my pain. It didn't seem as dramatic as some of the others. It seemed meaningless compared to the stuff some women have walked through.

But as the night went on, I realized that God is writing all of our stories. So NOTHING is insignificant to Him because HE is the author. It has given me the courage to share my story on this blog. Over the next week I will tell you about me. I will share what God has written over the most dramatic circumstance of my life. I will show you God's handiwork.  If nothing more, I want to write it for my kids to have and read.  I want them to see who I am and what choices I have made.  I want them to see how God redeemed me.

Please bear with me.

I struggled with what I was going to say on my cardboard. I ended up with...

I TURNED MY BACK ON GOD

{flip over}

HE NEVER LET GO OF
ME

A huge thank you for all the women who worked their fannies off to put this together.  What a project!  I know that lives were touched, women were changed.  

Numbers.

To the world, I am just a number. A series of unrelated digits strung together to form an identity.

I am a Social Security number.
A birthdate.
An IQ.
An address.
A zipcode.

I am a phone number.
An account number.
A patient ID number.
A test score.
A grade point average.

I am a dress size.
A shoe size.
A checkbook balance.
A number on the scale.
A driver's license number.

All of those things are "true" about me. But they are not the TRUTH about me.

To God, I am not FEMALE PERSON # 978478923864892834690203. My Lord knows me so intimately that He knows the NUMBER of times I rise and sit.

The NUMBER of hairs on my head are counted by Him.

He knows the NUMBER of my days.

He knows me as who I am. The one He made for a specific purpose. The one He loves with a passion so deep and wide that only He can calculate.

The one He wants to be friends with.

But my favorite thing about God is that He isn't counting the NUMBER of times I fail. He keeps ZERO record of my wrongs. There is NO spreadsheet documenting my shortcomings.

Who I am is enough for Him.

That is a good thought for this messed-up, imperfect woman who spent most of the day fretting over my jean size and my credit card balance. The rise and fall of both these EARTHLY NUMBERS has made my self-worth nose dive into enemy territory.

It's time to go stick my nose in the Bible and have God tell me how high I rank in His eyes!

His math makes me look good.

Finding the silver box.

My kids are home today due to "inclement weather" as the school says. The first snow day of the year is always met with a thrill and lots of wonder. My kids are a little sad that there isn't enough snow to play in, but we are having fun playing inside. Secretly, I am hoping that we have a very short winter with lots of sunshine.

Last winter we had 578 snow days and I was so OVER IT. The bleakness of last winter left its mark on me. My heart mirrored the weather outside.

DARK BLEAK LONELY ISOLATED MOODY COLD HARD GRAY

The weather cleared up and changed long before my heart did. It is something that I am afraid of as the gray days stack up. Will I fall back into the pit? Or, will I make different choices this season to guard my heart against the cold lonely days?

(Here is where a gifted writer would know how to transition those thoughts into cleaning out the underwear drawer. Just go with me in my clumsy attempt to make this relevant.)

I have already been pretty open about how the mundane of life is sucking the joy out of my heart and today is no different. Even though the kids are home there is some balance between playing and working. It is something I wrestle with...daily.

Anyway, the kids were playing Wii (and they were actually getting along)so I took that time to do some work. I wasn't really planning to clean my underwear drawer but so glad I did. There was a sweet surprise waiting for me at the bottom.

At a Christmas tea several years ago, an older woman from our church wanted to share something with us that she had read and found encouraging. Not a woman used to the spotlight, her voice and hands shook as she read from the book "Silver Boxes" by Florence Littauer. A story about encouragement.

While speaking to young children, Mrs. Littauer realized the concept of her book, "...when our words come out they should be like 'little presents all wrapped up to be given away.' The idea of 'presents' brightened them all up, and one precious little girl stood up, stepped into the aisle and said loudly to everyone, 'What she means is that our words should be like little silver boxes with bows on top!' Florence said, 'What a beautiful thought! Our words should be gifts to each other, little silver boxes with bows on top.'"

Our sweet church lady wanted to give each one of us a Silver Box to take home and tuck away. She had purchased beautiful silver boxes and wrapped bows around each one. Lovingly she laid out pieces of paper for each woman there. We walked around the table and wrote an encouraging thought or compliment to fill the boxes of each lady.

I was a different person then. I am not sure I saw the purpose of this exercise. I remember just wanting to hurry and write down compliments so I could get back to laughing with my friend.

I must have come home that night and tucked my silver box away in my underwear drawer and completely forgotten about it.

Fast forward to today. A women raw and fearful about falling back into the winter heart from last year. A woman that has been weathered by the storms of life. A woman who desperately needs affirmation. A woman who has a God that can turn the mundane into something really special.

Isn't it wonderful when God shows up?

Inside my silver box were the sweetest words any woman can read.

"kind, you are very smart (huh??), warm fuzzy, you have a sweet smile, great mom, kindred spirit, encourager, sister, friend, sweet spirit, loving mommy, giving, loving, fun, elegant (ha!), mischievous"

Words I wouldn't have said about myself.

Words I needed to hear.

Words that need to take root.

Words I need to believe.

God knew when I needed to find that box. He knew that those words would mean something to me now as I fight the winter heart.

Sweet words like sunshine to break up the COLD AND LONELY.

Ephesians 4:29 You must stop letting any bad words pass your lips, but only words that are good for building up as the occasion demands, so that they will result in spiritual blessing to the hearers.

"Don't go boneless!"

Everyone who has ever held a toddler's hand while leading them against their will knows the feeling of "going boneless".

You have them by the hand when suddenly all the bones in their tiny body give out and they are lying in a heap on the floor. Still holding hands you reach over and try to pull them along hoping they will find their bones and stand up. A little cooperation would be nice in that moment.

But they don't want to cooperate. They want to exert THEIR tiny little will.

"Don't go boneless," I say.

"WHYYYYY???," he cries.

"Because it's bedtime and you need sleep. It's good for you."

Compliance doesn't come easy as a toddler. Or when you are a thirty-something woman.

*sigh*

There is a THING that God is wanting me to do. A PATH He needs me to travel. He is holding my hand so I feel protected and secure.

But I really really really don't want to do "this" and go "there".

We walk along hand in hand. I feel His leading. My body goes limp, in a heap on the floor. Holding His hand is harder now. It takes work to hold on. A little cooperation would be nice in that moment.

But I don't want to cooperate. I want to exert MY tiny little will.

"Don't go boneless," He says

"WHYYYYY???," I cry.

"Because it's good for you and I love you."

You're Invited!!

You are cordially invited to attend

Janelle's Pity Party

Date: Past and Present with lots of worry for the future

Time: As long as it takes you to read this

Will serve: Bile sandwiches and Toxic Waste punch

Please RSVP, or don't. I don't care.

It has been a long, hard day of calculating my many failures. It has not been pretty, friends. I have failed and let me count the ways.

I have failed Our Father. I haven't invested ANY time lately reading, praying, thanking, confessing. Instead I fill my limited free time reading blogs and have been left hungry and not satisfied. In the same 10 minutes I could have been encouraged, disciplined, corrected, forgiven, etc. But still I choose the quick, easy. That is just one little way I have failed My God today. There are hundreds more.

I have failed Skip. In this season of welcoming and caring for a new baby, all the grunt work or slave labor has fallen to him. Anything I don't have time for or can't handle, he gets. And he gets it without much appreciation. He just serves. His needs and wants have been put so far on the back burner they aren't even on my radar right now. I can see the toll it's taking on him and us.

I have failed Z. I have been quick to anger, quick to yell, quick to jump to conclusions. I have held him to a higher standard than I have for myself. Why should I expect perfection from a 7 year old, when My Father doesn't expect perfection from me?

I have failed Loulabelle. My tongue was so sharp today when she was trying to help calm the baby. Her big blue eyes filled up with tears and they dropped down her sweet cheeks. I embarrassed her in front of her friends. Shame on me.

I have failed Wingman. He logged about 8 hours in the car seat today. We were on the go all day and he went along for the ride. I pushed his feedings too late and he had to cry longer than I felt comfortable with. He is too little to feel sad, or lonely, or discomfort. I hated that I had no time to hold him and whisper in his ear. My heart is heavy.

There are more failures. There always are. When you start walking down this road, your failures are everywhere like a billboard for the world to see. I have let so many people down....

"My grace is sufficient for you."

What? Who said that?

"My grace is sufficient for you."

Oh, it's You. Lord, I don't deserve this life you have given me. I am not worthy of your love and attention. But yet You chose me. You love me. You want me to climb out of this pit and rejoice. Thank you, Lord for loving a failure like me. I don't need to live with this condemnation because I belong to You. Help me find a way to learn from these failures.

Help.

Smile.

There is a big one on my face tonight. The kind of smile that you can feel without your lips turned upwards. You can feel it radiating through your body as it lights up your eyes. Or, rather it could be described as Peace.

Tonight, I am at peace.

After reading your love for me in yesterday's comments and hearing a sense of community, I feel stronger. I know that I am not alone. I was feeling like I was the only one struggling with anger and selfishness and all the other ugly things that go with darkness. Your words spoke volumes to me. Not only am I not alone, but I am completely sane.

Thank you for being so gentle with my broken heart. I agonized over sharing that post. You all treated me with such care and love that my heart burst with joy and renewed purpose. Today was a good day. My house remained at peace. No angry words were spoken. No punishments were needed. My children responded favorably to my state of mind. Their sweet natures poured out of them. It was like a salve for my weak and crumbled soul.

So I smile.

Thank you all for loving this imperfect mom. I would never want any of you to think that I have it all together. I am just a women in need of a Savior trying to do the best she can. I have taken strength from your love and you have made a difference. Never stop praying for one another.

Houston, we have a problem.

I have approached melt-down. I may self combust at any time. Look away people, this isn't pretty.

Or light.

Or funny.

This is real life.

I am in a slump. Or rather a fog, darkness. Nothing has changed on the outside. Yet I can tell my insides are black as night. I am not emitting much Light right now.

I am letting life suck me dry. At every twist or turn, I become angry, negative, whiny. I have turned this on my family. You would probably never know I have been struggling. I have been nice to you in person and on your blogs. I haven't been nice to my family.

I have yelled more than I care to admit. I have been rude, sarcastic, withdrawn, unstable. The depths of my selfishness and anger have scared me. What have I become? What am I allowing myself to do?

"For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate....For the good that I want, I do not do,but I practice the very evil that I do not want." Romans 7:15, 19

This is everyone's struggle. If the apostle Paul could write these words, then I know every single one of us can relate. Whether it is overeating, gossip, laziness or anger. We all know better, but do what we hate.

I don't want to live here in this darkness. I want to have victory over my emotions, my anger. I want to be better than myself. I want to grow and change and live in freedom.

My only hope is in Jesus. He will make my path straight. He will show me the way out of this pit. He is ready to fight for me. He knows that I am worth it.

"The horse is prepared for the day of battle. But victory belongs to the Lord." Proverbs 21-31

Hour of Courage

The first Sunday in October is the annual Life Chain across the United States and parts of Canada. It is an hour dedicated to prayer for the unborn. The sanctity of life. Our country's healing.

It takes everything I have to stand on the street holding a sign for all the passing motorists to read. Signs vary from the harsh realities of abortion to the healing power of Jesus.

One hour and all the strength I can muster.

Always in the beginning of the hour I feel foolish, out of place. Even though there are hundreds of believers standing on our busy street, I feel like the only one. Then something miraculous happens. I begin to pray. I begin to hum. I begin to realize that I am part of something much greater than me. I begin to understand the power of this moment.

Every year I am reminded of how far my life has come. I praise God that abortion is not part of my story. He wrote a different past for me. One of loss and grief. But thankfully and by His grace alone this is not a pain that I have known. Yet my heart breaks for those who have.

As I watched cars zoom by I saw pain and heartbreak. I saw a world in need of a Savior. I saw young women cry. I saw people laughing at us. I saw thumbs up and waves. But mostly, I saw the boldness of our message getting reaction. I pray that someone, somewhere had a moment of repentance. My hope standing out on the curb was that someone found forgiveness and a fresh start.

We had ten people from our church who graciously sacrificed their precious Sunday to stand up and make a difference. My sixteen year old niece was among us. This girl is not like the majority. She has pledged her life to Jesus and made choices to stay pure. She is set apart yet she is still very cool. She has seen beloved friends fall to drugs, alcohol and s*x. She has seen the heartbreak and heard the cries. Still she remains pure. I have never been more proud of her than I was yesterday. Standing up for the Life Chain takes a tremendous amount of courage. I am 34 and it takes all I have. I can't imagine what it must be like for a 16 year old. There she stood holding a sign that boldly proclaimed Jesus's love for us.

The part I love is that she believes it. She lives it.

Another member from our church is a young grandma. Her daughter recently had a baby that could have easily been aborted. This grandma brought her grandson and stood in the heat to show the world that this could have been her daughter's story. Seeing her stand next to her sleeping grandson brought tears to my eyes.

It was a precious hour of prayer.

Whatever choices you have made in the past, whatever your story is please know that Jesus heals and forgives. Today is a new day. Today is a fresh start. Have courage to admit that you need Jesus. I can almost guarantee that someone in your life has prayed for you.

Take hold of the one who heals. He has been waiting to lavish you with His love.

Wrestling

For the last few weeks I have been a nervous wreck waiting to hear who Z's teacher is. I wrestled with God for days on end. Literally beating a dead horse. My biggest struggle is trusting God with my kids. I give them to Him, but I take them right back. Whatever the circumstance is. Give, take. Give, take. When will I trust with my whole heart that His will is better than mine? When will I release them completely without hesitation? Here is proof of His faithfulness.

Father, I am so nervous for Z in 1st grade. I pray for a kind and compassionate teacher. I pray for friends in his classroom, I pray for an easy transition. I pray that his heart and mind will open for learning. I pray that he will be motivated and willing to do the work. Father, I am anxious for this year.

Do not be anxious about anything.

I don't know what I am nervous about. But I have heard that this could be a hard year. Oh, how I pray that his teacher will love him and encourage him to be his best. Lord, I am nervous to find out who she is. Father, hand pick his classroom for him. Please.

I have it all under control. Trust Me.

Trust? I do trust You. I think. But do You know what he needs? Do You know how shy and sensitive he is? Will you pick his teacher based on that?

I know every hair on his head. He is fearfully and wonderfully made.

You are right, Lord. You created him to be the boy he is. I just don't want him to struggle.

Peace.

Peace? Why don't I feel peace? All I feel is worry and anxiety. Is Your peace really there?

My peace surpasses all understanding. It will guard your heart and mind. Take it, daughter.

OK, Lord. I will chose to trust You. I know You will take good care of us. I know that You have Z in the palm of Your hand. I just don't want him to struggle.

Tribulation brings perseverance. And perseverance, proven character. And proven character, hope. And hope does not disappoint.

Lord, you are right. I do want him to develop all of that. I do want him to become stronger. I don't want him to be too comfortable so that he never grows. He will have to face challenges. He will struggle. He will fail and face heartache. Oh, will I be able to take it?

Be strong and courageous. I am with you wherever you go.

Oh, Father! I can't believe how You provided for us. You did listen. You did hear my cry. Thank You, Lord. I am in awe. Not only did you provide a sweet teacher, but You also gave Z some friends. Thank You for Your favor. You are good. I am sorry that I didn't trust You. I am sorry that I couldn't release Z into Your waiting hands. I am sorry that I got in Your way. Please forgive me. I have so much to learn.

For I know the plans that I have for you. Plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find ME when you search for Me with all your heart.

Thank you, Father.

Good Ole' Beauty Parlor Revival

I just spent 3 glorious hours in the Church of Hair and Makeup, sans kids. Cue organ music....HALLELUJAH. I feel refreshed, uplifted, encouraged and even revived. It's funny how a little pampering can boost your spirits.

My hairdresser is an awesome gal. She is truthful and funny and she loves Jesus. I really felt like we worshipped together in between the "squeezing and teasing" of my hair. "Reverend" Crystal was preachin' today. Her sermonettes so reflected my life and struggles at the moment. I feel compelled to share her wisdom in light of my own life.

It was that good.

"I always strive to tell the truth and be completely honest with myself and others." When I sat down in her chair, she looked at my hair and said, "Girl, it looks bad." O.U.C.H. From anyone else I would have defended my haggardly locks, but I knew her honesty is what I needed. I respect her point of view. I value her feedback. I look for honesty in others as a top priority. I love it when people are transparent. I strive to have genuine relationships with others who are not afraid to be bold and tell the truth. Whether you are struggling or praising don't be afraid to tell the truth. Some may view this kind of honesty as a weakness, but I see it as a strength. So many times I think we try to hide behind an invisible wall and not let others see us. That may be necessary in some relationships, but I pray that all of you have someone in your life you can be completely honest with. I know I would be miserable if I didn't have it in mine. (go on girl!)

"Two inches to a better you." I went in today with the full intent of cutting off two inches of hair. Boy, did I need it. It is funny how cutting off the bad stuff really puts a spring in your step. That is exactly what God strives to do in our lives. I sure have a lot of "dead ends" that I have been walking around with. I need to trim off the unhealthy attitudes and practices that I have allowed to grow. Pride, selfishness, LAZINESS, judgements, criticism, doubt, fear...you name it, I have it. All of us do. I want to take two inches off and see what God is growing underneath. (Are you with me?)

"The God I serve doesn't require time limits." This one hit me hard, right between the eyes. I realize that I have been wanting God to work within my time parameters. Two days for this, five months for that. GO! GO! GO! Can we move faster here, Lord? Slower, Lord. The God I love can move in an instant. His timetable is perfect. I have to trust that more. I may be missing what He has for me during the wait. (Mmmmm Hmmmmm)

"God is not done with you until you are dead." I have situations in my life that I think will never change. But as long as I am breathing, He is working. (you know it!)

"If God put any sense in your head, you will use it." We were sharing about spiritual gifts and how they are from the Lord and need to always be used for Him. Oh, but the "enemy" loves to tempts us to use those gifts for our own glory. For example, I was sharing with her that I think I have the gift of mercy/compassion. When I let God show me how to direct this gift, it is very beneficial. But the flip-side of this is martyrdom. If I am too busy helping and fussing over everyone else, but won't allow anyone to help me then I have used it wrong. I have taken what God has naturally blessed me with and used it for my own gain or glory. The same could be said about any gift. She shared that hers was discernment, but gone too far leads to a critical spirit. She finds it easy to judge and criticize all under the "umbrella" of the discernment. Whatever God gives you, give it back and use it only for Him. (Preach it, sister.)

"If you say you love someone, then show it." Make it a priority to show those you love how much they mean to you. Find the ways they receive love and follow through. Don't just assume that they know, show it. Honestly care for them. (I'm listening)

"Painted toes are so much prettier than ugly naked ones." Can I get an AMEN? She really is a wise girl.

By the way, the hair feels great and healthy. Thanks, Rev.

RIGHT

Why is it that the negatives are always the first thing people (or maybe just me) talk about? After a frustrating morning filled with WRONGS...I was convicted to start thinking about all the RIGHTS in my life. How awesome it is to know that so many things are good. So many things are RIGHT in my life that I have no reason to ever complain about my WRONGS. Here are just a few that I experienced today.

I have an incredible extended family...one without any major drama and spending time with them is actually fun.
I have a healthy, loving husband who puts up with me and MY drama.
I have two kids who are really cool and full of mischief, but who also know how to forgive and forget.
I have a roof over my head and full pantry of food.
I have friends that love me, cry with me, laugh with me, encourage me, support me, help me, trust me, like me, etc. I don't deserve all the love.
I have a Savior who is always available, always ready, always loving, always forgiving, always rescuing.

Today ended up being very, very RIGHT.

WRONG

Today was a glorious day until the kids woke up. Then everything became WRONG!

The lighting in Z's room was WRONG for his Star Wars game.
The clothes I picked out for both kids was WRONG.
The kelly green shorts and hunter green shirt Z wanted to wear was WRONG on so many levels.
The brand new washer is not working--that's aggravatingly WRONG.
The spoons for cereal were WRONG.
The sippy cups with chocolate milk were WRONG.
I am an hour late for my Grannie's surgery and it is very WRONG to be late for someone's surgery.
The good news is that I have dinner in the crock pot, but I have a feeling that will be WRONG because of the peppers. Too soon to tell on that...

I need the Lord today. He is the only One that can turn these WRONGS into right. I am really fighting the temptation to be crabby. That attitude still has victory, but I have hope that Jesus will save the day! If you all think about it, please pray for my sweet Grannie. She has a long road ahead plus she is primary caregiver for my elderly Gramps. What a hard job, one that I don't completely understand.

Thanks, friends!