one thousand gifts...a dare

I am currently in a book that is literally MESSING WITH ME. Twisting me inside and out.  Turning my whole relationship with God on it's head.  In a good way.  A better way.

I am realizing that I have kept God at arm's length pretty much my entire life.  I know He is "there" wherever that really is. But do I really KNOW Him?  Do I FEEL Him?  Daily?  Anytime?  Ever?

Do I hear Him whisper to me? 

Do I sense He is near?

There are times that I can say YES!! 

But more often, I can't.  Sadly, that tends to perpetuate the arm's length relationship that has existed for many years.  It's my fault.  I haven't been intentional AT ALL with our relationship for some time.  I haven't put in the time or the effort into getting the most out of our friendship. 

And I was the one to suffer.  Suffer through some pretty dark places in my heart.  Wander through my own personal desert.  {Anyone relate?}  I felt the urgency to change the situation.  A phone call from a friend regarding a new Bible study WITH CHILDCARE {amen?} was the invitation I needed.  Through the study, my friend and I made a pretty huge decision to start waking up at 5:00am to workout and have quiet time.  We committed to a two week trial period and currently we are on week seven.  PRAISE!

Throughout this time, I started reading Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts.  A dare to LIVE FULLY right where you are are. 

This book?

MIND BLOWING.

Thankfulness is interwoven in her achingly beautiful story.  How she connected giving thanks, to JOY and GRACE has left me breathless.  Here are some of her words.

"As long as thanks is possible, then joy is possible.  JOY IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE.  Whenever, meaning now:  wherever, meaning here..  The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience.  The joy wonder could be here!  Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be--unbelievable--possible!  The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now.

I whisper it out loud, let the tongue feel these sounds, the ear hear their truth.

Charis.  Grace

Eucharisteo.  Thanksgiving

Chara.  Joy

A threefold cord that might hold life?  Offer a way up into the fullest life?

Grace, thanksgiving, joy.  Eucharisteo."

I am still making my way through this book.  It's not one to rush, it's one to savor and ponder.  It's one that challenges you to find God around you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.  Look for Him.  Thank Him.  Experience Him.  Adore Him.

I reached #300 on my list of 1000 gifts this morning and thought I would share some of them with you.  It's already changed me.  I have seen God in places that I would have walked right by before.  He is there.  All there.

1.  A dark, quiet 5:00am house.

8.  Painting Langley's toes, making her feel special

15.  Texts from Skip...anytime.  He loves me.

19.  Knowing what is for dinner {amen??}

28.  First hugs of the day.

33.  My mom and her willingness to help.

41.  To-Do list that gets DONE

45.  Loving teachers.

46.  Opening the dryer to find towels, NOT WHITES!!  {seriously}

48.  Active grandparents that want relationships with my kids!  Both sides!!!

52.  I can argue with God and He is totally OK with that.

78.  Homemade tortillas {Alana, are you reading that??  Ha!}

111.  Zeb's baseball coach  {He's HOT}

119.  Easter Sunday

135.  My Grannie's strength and beauty

150.  Clean bathrooms along a running trail.  {Carissa!!}

200.  Zeb turns 11!!! 

212.  Zeb pitching a winning game!! 

243.  Day of rest for our family!  Rare and needed

249.  Date night with Langley at Panera. 

256.  Wit learning to fish.

281.  Friends that tell the truth....even when you don't want to hear it.

283.  Much needed time snuggling with Skip and the TIVO.

294.  My brother coming to play with the kids and eat dinner.

299.  The assurance that GOD is control, not me.

300.  FINDING WIT'S BLANKET, aka "soggy".  {holla!!}

God is in all those things.  I know He is.

He cares about me.

He cares about you.

I'm thankful.

 

On eating elephants.

Zeb's 4th grade teacher is a master at motivating her students. She relates to them in such an honest, pure, and humorous way. She has a gift for teaching squirmy (and sometimes smelly) 4th graders. Watching her in action is like being in the presence of greatness.  Truly.

In April, they took the state-mandated achievement tests. For two weeks students labored over the MAP standardized test and it was quite overwhelming. Mrs. P. told her kids to look at the test in terms of eating an elephant.

You don't sit down at your table and gooble up an entire elephant in one sitting. You have to plan it. You have to take it slowly. You have to take the elephant in small sections or you will get completely overwhelmed.

She would say this to them and they would giggle. Eating an elephant is quite the word picture.  But it was something that stuck with these 10-year-olds.  They learned to slow down and take the test one chunk at a time.

One day at a time.

Until it was over.

That is how I feel now after ALL THE STUFF that has happened in my family these past few weeks.  The recovery period for my brother, my father-in-law, and my mom seems like a pretty big elephant sitting there on my kitchen table.  There is a lot of work to do before they are all healthy.  When I look at the BIG PICTURE I get scared and overwhelmed.  Like if I was told to eat a whole elephant in one sitting.  When/IF I remember Mrs. P's advice and start breaking it down,  it seems much more manageable.

One day at a time.

For the most part, everyone is doing really well.  My brother is regaining strength and mobility everyday.  He is learning how to eat better and eliminate stress factors.  His blood pressure is now down in the healthy range that it should have been all these years.  The progress he is making is nothing short of a miracle.  God has given him a second chance at life.  I am so proud of him.  He will beat this!

My father-in-law, Ralph 2, is also gaining strength.  He stubbornly tried to work yesterday and the heat literally wiped him out.  He needs to take some time for rest and recuperation.  I think he (mistakenly) feels like he is invincible.  I do hope that he can be healthy for many many more years.  I would love to see him permanantly retire and go on his dream vacation to Australia. 

My mom is one-handed and will be for the next 6-8 weeks.  But the good news (for now) is that the doctor feels like she doesn't need surgery to heal.  She will go back in a week for more x-rays, but (for now) the doctor is satisfied with her progress.  I know she is frustrated.  It is really hard on her to be "handicapped" in any way.  She is a worker and has a huge responsibility taking care of my brother.  But she is determined to make the best of it. 

It's so easy for me to look at the BIG PICTURE (or the giant elephant) and get completely overwhelmed.  Nothing good comes from me freaking out.  I promise you that. 

So I remember to breathe. 

In and out. 

Make a plan.

Bite off small chunks.

And pretty soon the elephant will be gone.

One day at a time.

**If you clicked here looking for an elephant recipe, I am sorry.  No elephants are actually being eaten.  Not by me and not by any 4th graders that I know.  I heart metaphors.

Finding myself at a loss for words.

I have been meaning to post for the last two weeks but haven't known where to begin.  Two weeks ago our lives changed in ways we never expected.  A season of hardship ushered in blowing drought-like winds over our tired bodies.

Just two short weeks ago we were...

• celebrating the end of diapers FOREVER
• making our summer bucket list
• going on play dates
• having sleepovers
• celebrating my step-dad's tournament victory on our hometown lake
• making 4th of July potluck plans
• planning a trip to St. Louis with some of our best friends

Life changes in the blink of an eye.

Two weeks ago my brother had a stroke and Skip's dad had a heart attack.  Both within two days of each other.  Both in two different hospitals in our area.  Both serious.

As if that wasn't enough.  My family also had 3 rounds of stomach flu and 1 throat virus with high fevers to manage.  Add in other heavy and very sad life issues surrounding us.  Our small corner of the world was hit hard.

We adapted.

Our schedules, our kids, our plans, our calendar, our desires all adapted to fit the needs of this crisis.  Skip and I passed each other coming and going from one hospital to another.  Our kids went from friend to friend to friend.  I struggle with asking for help.  Meaning that it must be a weakness of some sort to admit that you are struggling and need your friends.  It's not.  My friends busted down the wall I was building and love poured through the cracks.  Every text, every call, every meal, every offer for kids was perfectly timed in my weakest moments. 

God knew what I needed and when.  And He made my friends even more amazing.

Both men are home from their respective hospitals and are slowly getting nursed back to health.  Both will take some time before they are back to normal.  Life slowly is starting to fall back into place.  Our vacation plans to St. Louis were cancelled.  But we adapted, once again and had a staycation (post coming) with our friends.  Smiles have started to replace worry lines.

Then yesterday.

My mom, who is nursing my brother back to health, fell and broke her wrist in two places.  Two very bad breaks.  She finds out tomorrow whether those breaks will require surgery to heal.  (Oh, please Lord, no)

My heart can't take any more hurt.

I am finding myself at a loss for words.

My God understands.

He can read between the silent broken pieces of my heart.

My job.  Keep laying down my fears, my worries, my anger, my doubts, my weariness, my will.

At His feet.

At the cross.

Wait for joy.

And rest.

Where HE met me.

As a mom I try my hardest to make my kids' lives easy, or at least easier.

I know which shirt they like to wear the most and I try my dangdest to make sure it's always clean when they need it.

I know what school lunches they like and which they don't. Again, I try to stay on top of it so they have a lunch they like to eat.

I know that they are just plain starved when they get home from school and I try to have a hearty snack ready to fill their bellies.

I know who likes chocolate milk and who likes Sunny D and try to have both in stock.

I know which shoes they will wear with their favorite shirt so I have them ready by the door in the morning.

I know they both shower in the morning so I try to stagger their schedules so they can both have plenty of hot water.

ETC. ETC. ETC.

The things that can be made easy for them, I try my hardest to see that it is.  I know there are plenty of things that they have to walk through on their own.  They face struggles, failures and just plain hard things.  There are things I can fix and things I can't. 

And shouldn't.

As they grow, I hope they (ahem...start to) appreciate the things I made easier for them simply because I love them.

Today, I got to witness first hand that same love for me through my Father.

I had to make a trip to the Big City with Wit just to run in 3 places.  The driving time was longer than my actual errands.  I absolutely DREAD running errands with a two year old who is constantly running away from me at break neck speed.  There isn't a device here on Earth that contains that child.  A simple thing like running errands is like pulling all my arm hair out one by one.

Anyone?  Anyone?

My first stop was Hobby Lobby.  I just needed 9 visors for our softball team.  I should have known that God would have showed up at the Hobby Lobby.  It's practically church.  Closed on Sundays with Christian music piped over the intercom.  It's a close second to the real thing.

But, I digress.

I needed 9 black visors.  I walked straight to that aisle with blinders over my eyes.  Heaven help me through all the cute stuff.  In the aisle, guess how many black visors they had in stock?  Nine.  I was in and out in 3 minutes. 

I know!

Next stop was a sporting good's store for 13 pairs of pink tie-dye socks.  After dragging the toddler out of the car and deeming the store too cluttered for a stroller, we walked straight to the sock display.  Guess how many pink tie-dye socks they had in stock.  Thirteen.  Again, we were in the store just a few short minutes and on our way to our last errand that had a drive-thru.

Driving home, I was smiling at the fact that each store had EXACTLY the amount that I needed.  Then it hit me that God did that for me.  God took something that I was dreading and made it easy. 

Just for me. 

Just because He could.

Just like I do (or try to do) every day with my kids.

God, in his merciful fatherly tenderness, loved on me today.  He reminded me that I am the apple of HIS eye. 

His beloved daughter.

It's such a small thing really.  But it meant the world to me.  The things He can make easy, He does.  There are things He can't.  There are things and choices that I have to walk through and struggle with.  There are times of failure, times of stress.  Times of agony, times of pain.  Times of loss, times of heartache.

But the things He can make easy, He does.

Simply because He is a proud daddy.


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Raw.

You know the feeling when you are driving through thick, dense fog? Fog so thick you fear you won't see the car in front of you, or the direction that you need to take. You can only see inches in front of you forcing you to slow down. Hopefully in the slower tense pace you find yourself muttering a desperate prayer for help. Because that prayer may be the only thing saving you from being swallowed up in the fog, or worse.

Well, that was 2010.

OK, maybe that is a little dramatic. But sometimes reality is full of drama!

That is exactly how I have felt this year. This is the year that things got hard. Really, really hard. Friendships were tested and some lost, finances were strained, secure jobs became unstable, parenting sprouted severe insecurities, our calendar reached maximum capacity, my metabolism changed, the mundane became even more mundane. And I went missing. My spark died out.

On many occasions I let the fog roll in around me and take me away. I didn't have the strength to survive it, much less see through it. I gave in.

This should be the time when I tell you that I turned to my Bible and let God carry me through this storm. I wish I could say that. It seems like I found even more excuses not to that very thing. Yet, strangely enough, I can say that I have never felt closer to God, or more loved.

Our pastor spent a significant time this year talking about "Pure Joy". Joy that only comes in the midst of crisis and darkness. I sat through many Sundays not getting it. How can I have JOY when life is crumbling around me? It hit me one day after a phone call with a dear friend. When life is good and the riches are piling up, you don't recognize joy. But when darkness settles in and you can't make your way through it, you find the purest form of God's love.

Here is an example from my life this year. Our puppy was in a freak accident and needed three surgeries to heal. Finances have been so strained this year that Skip and I weren't sure we could afford to keep going with her treatments and hospitalization. We were days away from putting her to sleep. When the vet called to tell us she needed to have the third surgery I knew in my heart we couldn't afford it and needed to end this. Out of the goodness of his heart, our vet took away all the remaining costs of our puppy's care. He wanted to see her healed and returned to our family...AT NO ADDITIONAL COST TO US.

It was at that moment that I felt God whisper to my heart regarding His definition of joy. It's the little gifts He gives us. This was a pretty extravagant gift, but it took this act of kindness for me to see what joy means.

Pure joy is
...the perfect timing of a phone call
...it's a child's much needed nap time
...it's a clean house
...it's a sweet word from my husband
...it's in my home when my kids are getting along
...it's in a one-on-one lunch with a friend
...it's in telling the truth...the hard truth
...it's in an offer from my mom to take the kids
...it's in a smile from the clerk who knows how hard it is to shop with a toddler.

It's the moments that God gives us to HEAL some of the hard. Make it more BEARABLE.

Once I recognized what Joy means in God's economy the fog has lifted. The circumstances of the fog haven't...life is still beating us down. But I can see God's offering to me. He is handing me joy on a silver platter. Every day.

My hope this new year is to continue to see the joy in the mundane and hard. To see the richness in suffering. It is for a purpose.

Before you get all worried about me, I am really OK. The suffering of this year has been good, too. It has caused Skip and I to make some decisions on how we spend our time and reduce the waste on the calendar. It has turned our family inward. There is nothing greater than being home together. It has quieted down the noise. I value these changes. I like not having a full calendar. I have fallen in love with Skip again watching him navigate his own pain. I wouldn't trade any of it!

My hopes in starting this blog again is to find the WOMAN in the MOMMY. I hope by slowing things down and appreciating life more, I will savor this season. I love you all and have missed our connection on the pages of our blogs.

Here's to a fresh start!

Ramblin' Road Trip

We are leaving in just a few short minutes for a road trip to see our beloved Cardinals. But, before we go I am going to ramble on about something that has been weighing my heart down lately.

Skip and I have been talking about this for a couple of days but purposefully didn't tell the kids until this morning. We waited until we knew for sure it was going to happen. We didn't want to crash and burn with the kids...you all know what I mean.

Everything is now secure and we gathered our foursome on the couch to tell the kids. MY, OH MY are they excited. Skip and Z are going to the game and tomorrow we will go to the zoo. The smiles from our kids made it all worth it. They immediately jumped up and started to pack. It was delightful...I love surprising them. Skip and I would have been devastated if they whined and complained about the bump in their schedule. How often do I whine and complain when God places something in front of me that doesn't quite fit with what I wanted.

As I was packing, I was struck with the thought of how our gifts towards our children don't even compare to the gifts the Lord has for His children. We rocked our kids' world and their response was IMMEDIATE. Now, mind you it was a good surprise so it should justify an immediate response.

I know and believe that God has a plan for me. I trust that plan. But I don't always obey when I hear Him whisper to me in my heart. I rebel. I procrastinate. I try to justify why I shouldn't do what I think I should. As I pondered my kids' reaction, I knew that there have been hundreds of times that I have grieved God because of my brat-like behavior.

When God told Abraham to take his only son, his beloved son Issac, to sacrifice him, Abraham's response was IMMEDIATE. The Bible says:

"Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Issac, and go to the land of Moriah and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I tell you. So Abraham rose early in the morning...and went to the place God told him."

Abraham didn't hesitate. He obeyed immediately because he knew that the Lord was greater than any gift. The Lord was everything to him. It didn't matter that it wasn't what Abraham would have chosen. He didn't try to justify a way out. He didn't procrastinate. He didn't act like a spoiled brat. He did it. First thing. He jumped out of bed with the full intention of sacrificing his son. The thought of that is beyond my comprehension.

I know God would never require me to take my child's life. But I know that He does want me to sacrifice my will. My desires. My schedule. My time. I don't willingly give any of those. I don't willingly give my day to Him and ask Him to guide me. I don't willingly lay down my desires for someone else. I don't show God that He is more important than everything He has given me.

Where am I going on this ramblin' road trip? I am not sure. But I know I need more of God. I need His Living Water to rain down on me and fill up my God-shaped hole I have created by choosing my will over His. I need to remember my kids' reaction to our surprise and make that my response to God's surprises...good or bad. I need to stop whining, stop complaining when things don't go my way.

I need to be reminded that my life belongs to the One who made it.

My Cup Overflows

I am feeling compelled to take the time to thank the Lord for all the ways He has shown me His love. I am stunned and saddened by the tragic loss of a woman in our community this week. I pray for her family that they knew how much they were loved by her. I can't comprehend the suddenness of her death and pray that her kids and husband have no regrets about their last day or hours together.

No regrets...that is how I want to spend my days with my husband, kids, family and friends. The night she died, Skip and I went to bed angry over something trivial (my excessive blog usage...if you must know). I immediately regretted our night while I pondered her last moments with her family. Life changes instantly. It could all end tomorrow. I want to praise God for my today. I want to trust Him with my tomorrows. I want to live with no regrets.

Lord, thank you for today. Today You have granted me favor. You have shown Your lovingkindness through incredible friendships, an awesome church, my kid's snuggles and hugs, my husband's words of affirmation (way to go, honey!) , impromptu conversations, encouragement from two amazing moms, shared laughter with my kids. Lord, I know there is more, but I feel so blessed. Today was a great day. My cup runneths over..