one thousand gifts...a dare

I am currently in a book that is literally MESSING WITH ME. Twisting me inside and out.  Turning my whole relationship with God on it's head.  In a good way.  A better way.

I am realizing that I have kept God at arm's length pretty much my entire life.  I know He is "there" wherever that really is. But do I really KNOW Him?  Do I FEEL Him?  Daily?  Anytime?  Ever?

Do I hear Him whisper to me? 

Do I sense He is near?

There are times that I can say YES!! 

But more often, I can't.  Sadly, that tends to perpetuate the arm's length relationship that has existed for many years.  It's my fault.  I haven't been intentional AT ALL with our relationship for some time.  I haven't put in the time or the effort into getting the most out of our friendship. 

And I was the one to suffer.  Suffer through some pretty dark places in my heart.  Wander through my own personal desert.  {Anyone relate?}  I felt the urgency to change the situation.  A phone call from a friend regarding a new Bible study WITH CHILDCARE {amen?} was the invitation I needed.  Through the study, my friend and I made a pretty huge decision to start waking up at 5:00am to workout and have quiet time.  We committed to a two week trial period and currently we are on week seven.  PRAISE!

Throughout this time, I started reading Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts.  A dare to LIVE FULLY right where you are are. 

This book?

MIND BLOWING.

Thankfulness is interwoven in her achingly beautiful story.  How she connected giving thanks, to JOY and GRACE has left me breathless.  Here are some of her words.

"As long as thanks is possible, then joy is possible.  JOY IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE.  Whenever, meaning now:  wherever, meaning here..  The holy grail of joy is not in some exotic location or some emotional mountain peak experience.  The joy wonder could be here!  Here, in the messy, piercing ache of now, joy might be--unbelievable--possible!  The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now.

I whisper it out loud, let the tongue feel these sounds, the ear hear their truth.

Charis.  Grace

Eucharisteo.  Thanksgiving

Chara.  Joy

A threefold cord that might hold life?  Offer a way up into the fullest life?

Grace, thanksgiving, joy.  Eucharisteo."

I am still making my way through this book.  It's not one to rush, it's one to savor and ponder.  It's one that challenges you to find God around you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.  Look for Him.  Thank Him.  Experience Him.  Adore Him.

I reached #300 on my list of 1000 gifts this morning and thought I would share some of them with you.  It's already changed me.  I have seen God in places that I would have walked right by before.  He is there.  All there.

1.  A dark, quiet 5:00am house.

8.  Painting Langley's toes, making her feel special

15.  Texts from Skip...anytime.  He loves me.

19.  Knowing what is for dinner {amen??}

28.  First hugs of the day.

33.  My mom and her willingness to help.

41.  To-Do list that gets DONE

45.  Loving teachers.

46.  Opening the dryer to find towels, NOT WHITES!!  {seriously}

48.  Active grandparents that want relationships with my kids!  Both sides!!!

52.  I can argue with God and He is totally OK with that.

78.  Homemade tortillas {Alana, are you reading that??  Ha!}

111.  Zeb's baseball coach  {He's HOT}

119.  Easter Sunday

135.  My Grannie's strength and beauty

150.  Clean bathrooms along a running trail.  {Carissa!!}

200.  Zeb turns 11!!! 

212.  Zeb pitching a winning game!! 

243.  Day of rest for our family!  Rare and needed

249.  Date night with Langley at Panera. 

256.  Wit learning to fish.

281.  Friends that tell the truth....even when you don't want to hear it.

283.  Much needed time snuggling with Skip and the TIVO.

294.  My brother coming to play with the kids and eat dinner.

299.  The assurance that GOD is control, not me.

300.  FINDING WIT'S BLANKET, aka "soggy".  {holla!!}

God is in all those things.  I know He is.

He cares about me.

He cares about you.

I'm thankful.

 

Twenty years this summer.

It's been twenty years since I've worn braces.

How do I remember such a weird milestone? Because I graduated high school wearing those same braces.  My parents wouldn't let me get them taken off before my senior pictures like the lucky girl's parents did.

I was so jealous that the lucky girl got hers taken off just in time for pictures and I still had a year to go.

I'm still bitter about it.

(But I looked like that back then and could have used all the help I could get.)

(I probably should have invested more time in worrying about my hair and less about my braces.)

(Clear braces turn yellow.  Did anyone know that?  Well, they do.  Bright yellow.)

(If only I had a time machine.)

It's so funny what you remember about a time period in which you would love to forget. 

I remember being intimidated by the popular crowd and the "jocks".

I remember thinking that one critical mistake would be the legacy by which people would define me.

I remember agonizing over a pimple (and those darn braces) thinking my life was ruined forever.

I remember wearing Skip's letterman's jacket and feeling like I didn't deserve it.

I remember teachers that liked me and teachers that didn't.

I remember being more concerned about my after school activities than my school work.

I remember the smell of the halls and the sound of Mrs. L's clickety tall boots.

I remember feeling inspired by a science teacher and humiliated by a math one.

I remember wishing I had better clothes and better hair and better shoes.

*somethingsneverchange*


I remember carrying around my insecurities like a giant backpack.

I remember sitting on those bleachers waiting for them to call my name so my grown up life could begin.

A twenty year reunion seems ridiculous when you are 18.  The world is ahead of you and you are invincible.  Anything is possible.  Everything is attainable.   The gap between what you know and what you THINK you know is huge.

Eighteen is a cocky age.

Thirty eight, not so much.  You (hopefully) have ripened and softened and been seasoned by life.  You (hopefully) have become the person you wish you could have been in high school.  Confident, wise, stable, proven.

Improved.

Twenty years is the perfect amount of time for a reunion.  Not that I wasn't a nervous wreck when the planning committee started to send out facebook plans.  I was a MESS trying to get ready for the reunion.  I struggled with my weight and my clothes and my hair just like I did 20 years ago.

But I knew something that I didn't back then.

I knew I was SAFE.  No matter what I blurted out of my mouth, or if my shoes weren't exactly right, or even if I woke up with a zit the size of Texas. 

I was safe.  I knew that life would go on even if these people didn't like me anymore.  It wouldn't change my life to be rejected or snubbed.  My high school self was going to be OK no matter what!

And I am so glad that I realized that.  It was such a fun weekend.  It was great to see old friends and find out where life has taken them since high school.  Everyone was so sweet and genuinely interested in one another.  Such a relief to know that none of that high school stuff mattered anymore.

Here's to the next 20 years.

May we all continue to improve!


And about those braces, SOOOOO thankful!  Even if my 18 year-old self was mentally scarred.  She'll get over it.

This is me pushing through the writer's block.

I really can't believe it has been so long since I wrote a blog post. I have wanted to write.  I have had plenty of stuff to say.  But it just hasn't happened naturally.

I'm officially blocked.

Sure, I could blame the fact that I don't have access to a computer during the day.  But that's not entirely true.  I do have access, but it's all the way downstairs.  And it's slow.  And I can't upload pictures from that desktop.

(And yet, I still make time for pinterest.  Amen?)

Oh, woe is me.

When I last wrote, it was a pretty hard time for our family.  I stopped so suddenly that I hope no one was worried that something worse had happened.  It didn't.  My brother and father-in-law are both doing great!  Time has just gotten the better of me.  It's been a blur.

Summer came and went...

Baseball season came and went...

Potty training my last baby came and went...

My 20th HS reunion came and went...

Swimsuit season came and went...

Lazy, carefree days came and went...

The start of school came and went...

And this blog sat quiet for all of it.  I haven't shared pictures or stories or pity parties with you in a very long time.

So here is where I get frozen.  Do I pretend that 4 months haven't past and just tell the stories like they just happened?  Or do I just move forward?  Or do I try to do both?

This is me.  Frozen with indecision.

*deep breath*

I guess the only thing to do now is MOVE FORWARD.

Move forward with our life.  Our stories.  My (ahem...alleged) pity parties.

Move forward with our relationship.

Moving forward, with a special look back on some of the summer fun.  Like that 20th reunion I mentioned.  And the start of school.

Moving forward, unfrozen.  Unblocked.

I like that decision.

Snot and Kisses back in business.



 

The Bucket List.

So, I am about to plagiarize in a big BAD way. Three of my favorite bloggers (and women) Kristen, Denise and Sara posted their summer fun lists.

Not only am I stealing their idea but I am also stealing the quote that Denise used in her post about being proactive.

"if i'm not proactive

i'm reactive

and that can be very unattractive."

(I just copied and pasted that little pearl right off Denise's blog)

(The days of me being worried about the punishment of plagiarism are behind me)

(Thank the LORD)

I admire these mommies so much and think The Bucket List  is something my family desperately needs this summer.  Because here is the truth.  I am struggling.  In a bad way.  The best way to communicate this is in numerical order. 

The heat has fried my paragraph writing skills.

1.  I haven't found "the groove" yet.  Our nights are late, our mornings are late.  The whole time that I am awake, so are the kids.  We haven't settled into a livable routine yet.  This is hard.  I need time alone each day to rejuvenate.  This hasn't been happening and I am feeling defeated upon waking up and it lasts all day.

2.  My house is TRASHED.  I don't function well in a messy space but I don't have the time or energy (see #1) to fix it.  I feel like a hamster on a wheel to nowhere.  I know someone wise will say to ignore the house and focus on the kids because time moves so fast.  blah blah blah.  I know that, but a messy house means a messy unorganized day.  And a messy unorganized day means a very FRAZZLED JANELLE.

3.  The constant fighting is KILLING ME SLOWLY.  My tolerance level for all the fighting is at an all time low.  Everything grates on my nerves right now. 

4.  Along with the fighting is the constant demand on my time.  Someone needs something at all times.  From sun up to sun down (read #1 again).

5.  Littlest one potty training.  (Read #1, and #4)

6.  It's HOT and HUMID and I'm not really an outside kinda girl.  (I added this one late because I have been hot all day.  Hot Janelle = Crabby Janelle.) 

7.  I have one child that thrives on tight structure.  Without it THE WORLD STOPS SPINNING and all *&#$ breaks loose.  High perfectionism and OCD tendencies are not a good combination with a laid back summer.  Transitioning into summer is very hard on this little one.  It affects the whole house, namely me.  With enough time, things eventually fall into place but not without severe gnashing of teeth and loss of privileges a mile long.

(insert pity party here)

Add that all up and you have one frustrated, drained, irritable, tired, emotional mess of a woman.  Not the mommy that my kids deserve.  Not the wife that Skip deserves.  I am not giving them my best. 

I am very unattractive.

After reading Sara's, Denise's and Kristen's blogs I felt very convicted of my attitude and my attention to the here and now.  I won't ever do this perfectly, but I can do better than I have.

We spent the day creating our Bucket List.  I am happy with the ideas my kids presented.  I told them we would try our hardest to do most of these things.  Some of them cost $$ so we will have to see if it fits in the budget.  But now we have a plan.

And I have a proactive attitude.

Here is our cute bucket.

And here is our idea list that they typed, printed and cut into strips. 

White Water

Splash Country

Eat out

Silver Dollar City

Bowling

Mini golf

Camp in

Cars 2

Picnic

Blueberry picking

Hotdogging

Tubing

Neighborhood pool

Rec Plex pool

Grisham’s pool

Lunch with granny

Lunch of choice

Donut date

Craft

Invite a friend

Uncle Mikey's store

Library incentives

Skating

Jump mania

Kids cook dinner

Take Bristow to lake

Play Doh

Horses

Movie Theater

Sprinklers

Redbox

Baseball Game

St. Louis

Lunch with Dad

Nature hike

Take a walk

Paint

Bouncy House

Ride Bikes

Feed ducks

Picnic

Make cookies

Star Gaze

Go Carts

Ma & Pa’s house

Gramma Papa’s house

KAMP!!

B2 School Shopping

Creek

Make Ice Cream

Play at the park

Wiffle Ball game

VBS

Thanks for listening to my heart!  I know that a lot of great mommies out there are feeling the same way.  Mothering is HARD.  Harder than anything I ever imagined.  Let's sharpen and encourage one another to be the mommy that God desires us to be.

Imperfectly yours,

I vow to never eat another Whopper again.

OK.

So.

I never intended to take a bloggy break these last two weeks. But things happen. And for the past two weeks EVERYTHING in life has been happening at school.  These end of school days are a hazy mixture of field trips, field days, assemblies, parties, special lunches, volunteer recognition, you name it.  It all happens in May. I think they pack it so tight that there is nothing but SWEET RELIEF when it's over.

Until they are home for three days and the constant fighting makes you drive to back school just to see if anyone is there to take them from you.

Or, is that just me?

My kids have a total of 3 hours left of 4th grade and 1st grade. 

*bittersweet*

Anyway, that is NOT what this post is about.  This post is about HOW NOT TO BE A LOSER like me.

Yesterday after school my kids came home like they always do. STARVED. TO. DEATH.  And because I'm awesome, I turned on the oven to preheat some chicken nuggets.  It's a good thing I was standing there because about one minute later the oven window lit up like a Christmas tree.

Hmm?

That's odd.

I took a peek inside to find shooting sparks and flames.  The heating coil had caught on fire.  I turned off the oven but the flames didn't go away.  They got worse.

Commence panic and the wild throwing of baking soda.

The flames STILL did not stop.

So I doused it with water.  And when that didn't work I started throwing corn starch.  Cause I'm smart like that.

(add three screaming kids and you've got yourself a par-ty)

Finally.  Finally it stopped flaming and the fire died down.  When I looked closely at the damage I found that the heating coil had melted and broken apart.  I could be wrong, but I didn't think a HEATING COIL could melt apart??  I mean, isn't that it's job to get really really really hot and NOT melt? 

Anyway, it did.

Once it cooled down I started to clean the mess.  YUCK.  It was so bad.  The drawer under the oven got the brunt of all the nasty goo.  As I was cleaning that out I had a major revelation.

Did you know that drawer can come off so you can clean the floor underneath your oven?

Who knew!?!?

Well, probably all of you.  Or at least the ones who passed 7th grade Home Ec.  If I had passed, I totally would have known that.  But since the teacher was a bigfatmeaniehead who hated me and thought it would be fun to torment me.  I didn't learn it.

Oh well.

But what I did learn is that people are disgusting.  I swept up all the hair and dust and groddy stuff that has been living under my oven for the past 10 years.

GRRRRROOOOSSSS!

I vow to never eat another Whopper candy again.

I also vow to keep my oven clean.  Which should be the true moral of this story.

And I plan on learning that lesson real well as I sit in a restaurant tonight.

*glee*

"Happy Other's Day!" (Wit age 2.5)

Well, I hope all you mommies out there feel honored and rewarded after Sunday! Actually I hope you feel that way everyday. I hope your family confirmed that the work you are doing to raise your children is hard work.

Valuable work.

Worthy of a calling work.

Blessed work.

But if they didn't, you have my permission to spend the better part of this year reminding them yourself.

Amen?

Sorry I am late in wishing each of you dear sisters "Happy Other's Day".

The reason I am late is because this is how my "Other's Day" went down.

The toilet.

Literally. 

Early Saturday afternoon I felt the gurgles, which quickly progressed into painful cramping. One thing led to another and I spent Sunday on the throne of mercy.

Is that TMI?

Anyway, watching my family leave for church and a special lunch (MY SPECIAL LUNCH) really made me an emotional basketcase.  I was depressed and sick and honestly, smelly.  No one hugged on me.  They looked at me from the doorway and then ran as fast as they could the other direction.

Sadness.

Loneliness.

I wished for a relaxing day, a "day off" if you will.  But this isn't what I hoped for.  It was torture.

Anyway, I did do something quasi-enjoyable with all my alone time.  I read a book.  I haven't read a book in FOREVER.  It was awesome.  Other than the fact that I felt like I was going to die, it turned out not-so-horrible.

I have been wanting to read this book for a long time.  It was perfect for a sick-stuck-in-bed day.  Lots of intrigue, murder, mystery, revenge and plot twists.  I would recommend it.  There are some questionable parts related to some, who am I kidding, most of the characters but it's nothing that you haven't seen if you own a TV.  And since this is 2011, pretty much everyone I know has a TV.  You have probably faced some of these storylines.

Honestly, it wasn't the worst day I have ever had.  And if you took out the severe cramping and all the whatnot it would probably rank right up there as the perfect way to spend "Other's Day".

How about you?  How did you spend your special day?

I promise I won't be jealous if it happened to include yummy food and sweet children who actually hugged you without plugging their noses.

I pinky swear.

Where HE met me.

As a mom I try my hardest to make my kids' lives easy, or at least easier.

I know which shirt they like to wear the most and I try my dangdest to make sure it's always clean when they need it.

I know what school lunches they like and which they don't. Again, I try to stay on top of it so they have a lunch they like to eat.

I know that they are just plain starved when they get home from school and I try to have a hearty snack ready to fill their bellies.

I know who likes chocolate milk and who likes Sunny D and try to have both in stock.

I know which shoes they will wear with their favorite shirt so I have them ready by the door in the morning.

I know they both shower in the morning so I try to stagger their schedules so they can both have plenty of hot water.

ETC. ETC. ETC.

The things that can be made easy for them, I try my hardest to see that it is.  I know there are plenty of things that they have to walk through on their own.  They face struggles, failures and just plain hard things.  There are things I can fix and things I can't. 

And shouldn't.

As they grow, I hope they (ahem...start to) appreciate the things I made easier for them simply because I love them.

Today, I got to witness first hand that same love for me through my Father.

I had to make a trip to the Big City with Wit just to run in 3 places.  The driving time was longer than my actual errands.  I absolutely DREAD running errands with a two year old who is constantly running away from me at break neck speed.  There isn't a device here on Earth that contains that child.  A simple thing like running errands is like pulling all my arm hair out one by one.

Anyone?  Anyone?

My first stop was Hobby Lobby.  I just needed 9 visors for our softball team.  I should have known that God would have showed up at the Hobby Lobby.  It's practically church.  Closed on Sundays with Christian music piped over the intercom.  It's a close second to the real thing.

But, I digress.

I needed 9 black visors.  I walked straight to that aisle with blinders over my eyes.  Heaven help me through all the cute stuff.  In the aisle, guess how many black visors they had in stock?  Nine.  I was in and out in 3 minutes. 

I know!

Next stop was a sporting good's store for 13 pairs of pink tie-dye socks.  After dragging the toddler out of the car and deeming the store too cluttered for a stroller, we walked straight to the sock display.  Guess how many pink tie-dye socks they had in stock.  Thirteen.  Again, we were in the store just a few short minutes and on our way to our last errand that had a drive-thru.

Driving home, I was smiling at the fact that each store had EXACTLY the amount that I needed.  Then it hit me that God did that for me.  God took something that I was dreading and made it easy. 

Just for me. 

Just because He could.

Just like I do (or try to do) every day with my kids.

God, in his merciful fatherly tenderness, loved on me today.  He reminded me that I am the apple of HIS eye. 

His beloved daughter.

It's such a small thing really.  But it meant the world to me.  The things He can make easy, He does.  There are things He can't.  There are things and choices that I have to walk through and struggle with.  There are times of failure, times of stress.  Times of agony, times of pain.  Times of loss, times of heartache.

But the things He can make easy, He does.

Simply because He is a proud daddy.


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Don't forget to enter my MOTHER'S DAY giveaway!!  Ends THURSDAY, MAY 5 at noon.

This is the moment I have been waiting for all day.

One o'clock.

Naptime.

The BIG salad.

"Friends" on Tivo.

Putting my feet up.

Thirty minutes.

Renewal.

*****************************************

If you haven't entered my MOTHER'S DAY GIVEAWAY...what are you waiting for?  Winner chosen Thursday at noon! 

Right before the BIG salad!

What didn't kill me made me stronger.

Remember when I told you that someone famous wants me dead? 

How do I know she wants to kill me? She says crazy things like...

"I want you to feel like you are going to die."

I'm no expert, but that sounds like a death threat to me.

Well, guess what? She didn't kill me. The thirty days of exercise didn't send me to my grave, although there were definite times I thought it would.

I made it out alive.

And I have plenty to say about it.

Go refill your water and grab an apple. Get comfy and I will share my

30 THOUGHTS FOR THIRTY DAYS.

Hey!  I see you.  PUT THE COOKIE DOWN.  I said  APPLE, not cookie.

OK.  That's better.

Here we go.

1.  I went into this challenge knowing that I was going to fail.  How's that for starters?  I have read about The 30 Day Shred and have talked with people going through it.  They all said the same thing.  It's tough.  It hurts.  I just want to quit.  So I didn't have high expectations.

2.  For the first two days I used two cans of green beans as my weights.  I knew we owned some hand weights but for the life of me I couldn't find them.

3.  Any day that has a 3 in it...3, 13, 23, 30...were the hardest.  By far.

4.  If you are familiar with The Shred you have seen Natalie cheat.  She is the girl that does the more advanced routine. She's a cheater.  I don't like her.

5.  This is the day my kids found out.  They (meaning Zeb) laughed at me for the whole thirty minutes.  Sticks and stones, my son.  Sticks and stones.

6.  Jillian says it's a twenty minute workout.  It's 27 minutes and 45 seconds to be exact.  I feel the need to tell her that it's really 2 minutes and 15 seconds shy of a HALF FREAKIN HOUR.

7.  If I didn't love the TV like I do, I would have thrown my cans of green beans through the screen in hopes of hurting Jill-Jill and her hateful sidekicks.

8.  Accountability is HUGE for me.  Without it, I would have failed by now.

9.  I have started sleeping in my workout clothes, everything but the socks and shoes.  Ready for the morning.

10.  Day 10 moved up to level 2.  Can't believe I have made it to day 10.  The routine in level 2 is crazy hard.

11.  The only breakfast I have had for the last 11 days has been Tylenol.  Surely that has to mean that I am losing weight.  Right?

12.  I just want people to stop asking me when my baby is due.  When did that question come off the NEVER ASK A WOMAN list?  People are rude.

13.  I laid on the floor and cried.  My baby boy brought me his "soggy"...aka, blanket.  I couldn't love him more.

14.  The hardest day to fit in the workout is Sunday.  Getting everyone clean and fed and out the door for church is an Olympic sport.  Now to squeeze in 27 minutes and 45 seconds of additional work.  Next to impossible.

15.  PAIN!!!!!  My knees are not feeling good.   So many squats and lunges.  I feel old and tired.

16.  Learning about grace and how important it is to give myself some. 

17.  Took a peek at Level 3.  OH MY WORD.  What the heck?

18.  Day 18, my son's birthday.  I did workout only because I knew that I would be eating a ton of food and cake.  I backed it down to level one because of my knees.  Don't let the term "level 1" fool you.  It's no joke.

19.  Ready to dive into level 3.  I actually loved some of the intense circuits.  This will end up being my favorite level.

20.  I have tried all kinds of different exercise.  If I had to choose something to do all the time it would be swimming.  But I don't have swimming hair.  I am falling in love with the concept of a DVD workout.  I have about 30 minutes in the morning after the kids go to school and it's starting to be the best time of day.  No one needs me.  I can focus on myself.

21.  I love the circuit method.  3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes cardio and 1 minute abs.  I am ADHD when it comes to exercise.  I like the pace and variety.

22.  I see a huge change in my endurance just like Jill-Jill promised.  At the beginning I had to take so many breaks and follow Anita, the gal who does the lower impact workout.  I am feeling stronger and don't have to take as many breaks.  I can do most of the advanced workout with little modification.  That, my friends, is victory!

23.  I had a pity party on this day because no one has noticed anything yet.  That sounds horrible to admit.  Vanity and pride.  I am having to fight those feelings and remember why I started this journey.  To get fit and healthy.  Not for approval.

24.  OW.  OW.  OW.  Are the words I say when I sit down and when I get up.  Everything hurts.

25.  I think in her own twisted way, Jillian really does care about me.  She says I am strong.  She says I can do it.  She wants me to FIGHT FOR IT. 

26.  My biggest joy was when my oldest (see # 5...he doesn't laugh anymore) worked out with me and helped push me to try the ROCKSTAR JUMPS.  I have struggled with this move and he helped me through it.  Afterward, he brought me a bottle of water and a towel.  Love.

27.  Jillian is a liar.  She said we should be seeing a SIX PACK right about now.  I think the only people that see a six pack are the ones that started with a four pack. Personally, I have a two pack and a giant keg.

28.  Food is starting to be an issue right about now.  I tried eating something that I ate just one month ago.  It was horrible and heavy.  My tastes are starting to change.  My desire for food is lessening.  Praise Jesus!

29.  I ordered the next DVD from Jill-Jill.  Ripped in 30.  I also ordered Yoga Meltdown.  I am hoping to rotate between all three.  I think it's safe to say this is a longer journey for me than just 30 days.  I have learned to love doing this for myself.  I also love my accountability group (you know who you are).  I look forward to our next chapter in this journey.

30.  WOOT!!  WOOT!!  I have noticed changes in my body.  My waist doesn't feel as thick when I put my hands on it.  I can finally take my wedding ring off again (I don't like sleeping with it on or wearing it in the shower).  My face doesn't seem as full.  My legs feel stronger.  I don't know if I have lost much weight, but I feel firmer.  I have to remember that this is a LIFE LONG journey, not a sprint. 

In summary...

I highly recommend this workout for anyone.  Having said that...You WILL hurt.  You WILL feel like you want to die.  You WILL want to throw something at the TV.  You WILL grunt, scream and maybe curse.

But stick with it. 

You are strong.

You are beautiful.

You are worth it.

Fight for yourself.


I WILL be cheering for you!

Having feet has finally paid off.

Last night was the FOURTH annual spring Flip Flop Exchange hosted by a very sweet friend. It is the best girl party ever. The food is excellent, the women are lovely and everyone is happy to leave with a brand new pair of fabulous flip flops.

If you have a group of friends or co-workers, this is the next party you need to host!  Read here for a detailed description on how to organize a party of this magnitude.  It is so worth your time! 

I pinky swear.

These are the beautiful girls that were there last night.  This party keeps growing every year. 

Only two pairs of flip flops were repeated last night.  That means there were a whole lot of shoes that were one of a kind.  These aren't your ordinary OLD NAVY flip flops (which I happen to love) these shoes were gorgeous and designer.  Every single pair received OOOHHHs and AAAHHHHs and clapping.

Oh, the clapping.

It was a very affirming night.

Look at my pretty pair that my secret shopper bought me.  I heart them.  They are cute, neutral and so comfortable.  All the things I love. 

For me, last night represented more than just a fun gift exchange.  It represented that the FOG has lifted.  Last year was such a killer year for me that I just dropped my flip flops off the day of the party and didn't even bother to show up.  I just couldn't do it. 

I couldn't pretend to be ON and FUN and HAPPY, oh my.

I stayed in hiding for the better part of last year.  I didn't even have a birthday party.  It was a dark time.

But the LIGHT is on now.  The fog has lifted.  I am different because of the fog, more mature.  The me before would have been all over that room last night and I would have been secretly miserable.  Last night, I sat in the same chair and had a great conversation with three ladies.  A deep and meaningful conversation in the midst of a HUGE social event. 

The old me would have never sat in one place. 

I kind of like the new me.

In the middle of all the noise and celebrating one woman shared a private piece of her heart with me. 

Intimate.

Honest. 

Real life. 

Not fluffy.

So, while I am happy about my new cutie shoes, I am even happier that I have come out from under the suffocating darkness.

Life is real and complicated and hard and messy.  But last night reminded me that it's also good.

Very, very good.

So, off you go to plan your own FLIP FLOP EXCHANGE and get ready to celebrate your feet and your friends.

It's flippin' awesome.

My leg is the third one from the left.    

Really??

No.

But you are so sweet to look.

Somebody famous wants to kill me.

I went to college weighing 107 pounds.

I had just lost about 30 pounds and I was desperate to protect it.  I would weigh myself constantly.  Every time I ate, I would weigh.  Every morning noon and night, I would weigh.  As I watched the scale inch upwards, I would get depressed and very critical.

I was on the verge of having a huge problem. 

What I didn't realize (in my immaturity) is that my body couldn't support the 107# weight.  Frankly, I'm not sure if there is any adult woman that can support that little weight.  I know enough about my body to know that I will NEVER BE there again.

The best thing that ever happened to me was the day Skip threw my scale away.  I think he was getting worried about the unhealthy behaviors on my part.  It was literally the defining moment for me in terms of my weight.  Instantly, I felt completely freed from obsessing over every little calorie and every little pound.

My weight crept up into a more normal ratio for my height and structure.  I settled into a comfortable size.  I was confident about my body again.

Fast forward to today. 

I have had three babies and I am in my late thirties.

*groan*

My body is different.  My ability to eat without being intentional is different.  My metabolism has changed.  I have half-heartedly tried exercise in the past and quickly puttered out.  I have been so resistant to change.  Disobedient, even.

About three weeks ago I was sharing with my blog friend, Kristen, my desire to lose some weight before summer.  I had my doubts that I would be successful because the effort involved always stopped me.

I am lazy.  Period.  End of story.

Anyway, she came up the idea to tackle the 30 DAY SHRED together to get ready for our separate 20 year reunions and swimsuit season.  I prompted emailed her all the ways in which I am a lousy accountability partner and that I would have us both quitting before day 4.

Either she didn't hear me, or she just doesn't take no for an answer.  She said we should go for it starting April 1st.  Before I knew it, two more blog friends, Denise and Sara, joined in on the "fun" and we started shredding.  What I was dreading has become the best part of my day.  We check in with each other daily for support, encouragement and feedback.  These girls have pushed me farther than I ever dreamed.

I just finished DAY 11 of the 30 Day Shred. 

I know!

If it wasn't for these girls supporting me and cheering for me, I would have thrown the TV out the window along with Jillian and her hateful minions.  Except that I can no longer feel my arms and the thought of picking up something that weighs more than 2 pounds makes me want to throw up.

Other than that. 

It's time for me to make some changes.  I have been living too long without a thought for a healthy body.  This was the kick in the pants that I needed.

Even though I feel like JILLIAN IS GOING TO KILL ME EVERY SINGLE MORNING. 

Bring it.

Thank you, Kristen, Denise and Sara!  You girls are the wind beneath my flabby wings!!

This thing called the Internet.

During my final semester in college a new class became mandatory for all education majors. 

Internet 101.

At that time, I had already completed all the hours I needed before my student teaching semester and I had to add in this silly class.  All of us did.  We were very unhappy about it.  I remember sitting in front of the computer while the professor walked us through setting up an email account and logging on to AOL. 

Bet you five bucks you can still hear the dial-up screech in your head.

Anyway, I remember thinking..."Yeah, right.  When will I ever use this thing?  It's just a fad."

Just a fad, people.

I was 23, married, in my last semester of college before the "REAL" world started so clearly I was qualified to declare the Internet a fad.

Clearly.  I mean.  Who needs the Internet with hair like that?

I would have never dreamed how much this world would rely on the Internet for our daily life.  Everything has changed.  Information is a click, or touch away.  Anything you could ever think to ask is available as quick as your fingers can type the question. 

I even love how our language has changed.  Back before the Internet craze, if you would have used these words in your vocabulary people would have thought you were mental and needed medication.

Google it
Text me
I like you on facebook
I saw this tweet the other day
Do you stumble?
LOL
Let's skype
Just click here to get your widget
Bing
What's your favorite app?
Are your cookies enabled?
I'm an Angry Bird addict.

For me, this "fad" has become one of the most important daily sources of encouragement and support.  One of my favorite things to read on the Internet is blogs.  My google reader list keeps growing with amazing blogs and amazing writers.  I have met some of the neatest, kindest women on the pages of their blogs.  Reading and connecting with other friends on this journey called life is something that I am very thankful for.  I admire reading about people's struggles and their victories.  I love when their truth comes to the surface and leaves me feeling validated about my own truth.  This may sound crazy, but I truly believe that some of the connections I have made through this blog are God's gift to me. 

Some of my greatest friends live in the computer.  And when I have my phone with me, my greatest friends live in my back pocket.  I take you with me wherever I go.

How cool is that?

I certainly never imagined that back in 1997. But back then I was just trying to make my hair as tall as it could be.  So I didn't have much room for all this knowledge.

I thought I would share with you some things that I am reading today.  If you are new to these blogs, stop in and say "HI!"

I promise they won't bite.

1.  I wish this lady was a real friend of mine.  Her daily devotionals are RIGHT ON and so relevant to my life.  This is her latest about eating junk.  I have been changing some things lately and this hit me between the eyes. 

2.  You have to go meet Denise.  She is pure sweetness with an extra layer of cute.  You must enter her awesome giveaway.  On second thought, don't because I want to win. 

OK, fine.  Enter and I hope you win.  Doesn't the Bible say to be happy for those who win the giveaway you wanted to win?  I will google it.

3.  Speaking of changing eating habits, this is a MUST READ.  Julianne is a real friend/family member of mine.  I love her to pieces.  This journey that she writes about is every woman's struggle.  Her writing is funny and honest and real.  Her blog has been neglected for some time but I hope she will keep it going.  Why don't you tell her that, too.  Maybe we can nag her into a comeback.

I have been told that I am real good at nagging.

4.  This post about eating meals as a family really slapped me upside the head.  Life is moving way too fast and our schedule is too tight.  I am trying my hardest to hang on to eating dinner as a family.  We have had to adapt due to our busyness.  I hate the nights that we don't have together.  I don't want life to pass this little family by.

5. I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't link up to my bff, PW.  I will be making this cake in the near future.  My grandma raised us all on her GO BIG RED cake (pure Nebraska Cornhusker fan) and I have never attempted to make it because of the layers.  But this looks like something anyone can master.  I would probably need more frosting on the top though.  No offense, PW.  I hope we can still be bffs.

6.  Slow down today and read this.  Take a deep breath and soak up the beauty around you today.  Make sure you add this blog to your feeder.  Everything she writes is WONDERFUL.  Some days she is funny, some days insightful and some days a recipe.  Every day is just right with MarytheKay.  Now go give her a GREAT BIG HUG from me!

There are so many more people in this computer that I love.  I hope someday to meet them in real life!  I have a possible trip that I am praying about in November to meet this dear friend.

*Crossing my fingers*

Feel free to leave any links to your favorite reads in the comment section. 

I big red puffy heart the Internet!

Numbers.

To the world, I am just a number. A series of unrelated digits strung together to form an identity.

I am a Social Security number.
A birthdate.
An IQ.
An address.
A zipcode.

I am a phone number.
An account number.
A patient ID number.
A test score.
A grade point average.

I am a dress size.
A shoe size.
A checkbook balance.
A number on the scale.
A driver's license number.

All of those things are "true" about me. But they are not the TRUTH about me.

To God, I am not FEMALE PERSON # 978478923864892834690203. My Lord knows me so intimately that He knows the NUMBER of times I rise and sit.

The NUMBER of hairs on my head are counted by Him.

He knows the NUMBER of my days.

He knows me as who I am. The one He made for a specific purpose. The one He loves with a passion so deep and wide that only He can calculate.

The one He wants to be friends with.

But my favorite thing about God is that He isn't counting the NUMBER of times I fail. He keeps ZERO record of my wrongs. There is NO spreadsheet documenting my shortcomings.

Who I am is enough for Him.

That is a good thought for this messed-up, imperfect woman who spent most of the day fretting over my jean size and my credit card balance. The rise and fall of both these EARTHLY NUMBERS has made my self-worth nose dive into enemy territory.

It's time to go stick my nose in the Bible and have God tell me how high I rank in His eyes!

His math makes me look good.

Finding the silver box.

My kids are home today due to "inclement weather" as the school says. The first snow day of the year is always met with a thrill and lots of wonder. My kids are a little sad that there isn't enough snow to play in, but we are having fun playing inside. Secretly, I am hoping that we have a very short winter with lots of sunshine.

Last winter we had 578 snow days and I was so OVER IT. The bleakness of last winter left its mark on me. My heart mirrored the weather outside.

DARK BLEAK LONELY ISOLATED MOODY COLD HARD GRAY

The weather cleared up and changed long before my heart did. It is something that I am afraid of as the gray days stack up. Will I fall back into the pit? Or, will I make different choices this season to guard my heart against the cold lonely days?

(Here is where a gifted writer would know how to transition those thoughts into cleaning out the underwear drawer. Just go with me in my clumsy attempt to make this relevant.)

I have already been pretty open about how the mundane of life is sucking the joy out of my heart and today is no different. Even though the kids are home there is some balance between playing and working. It is something I wrestle with...daily.

Anyway, the kids were playing Wii (and they were actually getting along)so I took that time to do some work. I wasn't really planning to clean my underwear drawer but so glad I did. There was a sweet surprise waiting for me at the bottom.

At a Christmas tea several years ago, an older woman from our church wanted to share something with us that she had read and found encouraging. Not a woman used to the spotlight, her voice and hands shook as she read from the book "Silver Boxes" by Florence Littauer. A story about encouragement.

While speaking to young children, Mrs. Littauer realized the concept of her book, "...when our words come out they should be like 'little presents all wrapped up to be given away.' The idea of 'presents' brightened them all up, and one precious little girl stood up, stepped into the aisle and said loudly to everyone, 'What she means is that our words should be like little silver boxes with bows on top!' Florence said, 'What a beautiful thought! Our words should be gifts to each other, little silver boxes with bows on top.'"

Our sweet church lady wanted to give each one of us a Silver Box to take home and tuck away. She had purchased beautiful silver boxes and wrapped bows around each one. Lovingly she laid out pieces of paper for each woman there. We walked around the table and wrote an encouraging thought or compliment to fill the boxes of each lady.

I was a different person then. I am not sure I saw the purpose of this exercise. I remember just wanting to hurry and write down compliments so I could get back to laughing with my friend.

I must have come home that night and tucked my silver box away in my underwear drawer and completely forgotten about it.

Fast forward to today. A women raw and fearful about falling back into the winter heart from last year. A woman that has been weathered by the storms of life. A woman who desperately needs affirmation. A woman who has a God that can turn the mundane into something really special.

Isn't it wonderful when God shows up?

Inside my silver box were the sweetest words any woman can read.

"kind, you are very smart (huh??), warm fuzzy, you have a sweet smile, great mom, kindred spirit, encourager, sister, friend, sweet spirit, loving mommy, giving, loving, fun, elegant (ha!), mischievous"

Words I wouldn't have said about myself.

Words I needed to hear.

Words that need to take root.

Words I need to believe.

God knew when I needed to find that box. He knew that those words would mean something to me now as I fight the winter heart.

Sweet words like sunshine to break up the COLD AND LONELY.

Ephesians 4:29 You must stop letting any bad words pass your lips, but only words that are good for building up as the occasion demands, so that they will result in spiritual blessing to the hearers.

What if Christmas card photos told the truth?

The date is set every year. September 30th. The day I call the photographer and schedule our Christmas photos. In my opinion, the most stressful thing we do all year. Everyone needs haircuts and cute outfits. The location needs to be scouted...indoor? or out? Where? Concept? Plus everyone needs to be CLEAN on the same day.

Feel the stress? No? Maybe it's just me.

I haven't been able to let this go in the last 9 years of mothering. Could it be a *shudder* CONTROL issue? Quite possibly. The day of the appointment when the kids find out what they have to wear, Skip always gives them the same mantra.

"Your mother owns you on this day. You will wear what she says."

Niiice.

Thank goodness our photographer is a trusted friend. He knows my family. He knows that I (might) have control issues but he is kind enough to not say anything. He gets me. During our hour together he is confident to get the look that I have in my head. I trust him.

The funny thing about our photographer is that he shoots the entire time. THE ENTIRE TIME means that he gets the staging pictures. The shots no one is allowed to see. The shots that tell the real story of the Miller family.

Here is what the world sees about us. From the outside it all looks HAPPY AND WONDERFUL LIKE A FIELD OF FLUFFY KITTENS ROLLING IN COTTON CANDY. The kids look cute, I look good-ish, and Skip looks like he is having the time of his life. We could convince you that this was our reality, just by this one photo.


Here's the truth. That picture. That pose. Lasted about 1/8th of a second.

Probably.

I don't know. His shutter speed is really fast. Indulge me in saying that for 1/8th of a second, we are awesome.

For 1/8th of a second you don't see any trace of insecurity in me. You don't see that Skip really didn't want to be there. Sort of a bad month for him and he didn't want to play HAPPY AND FUN AND AWESOME for the Christmas card.

For 1/8th of a second you don't see uncooperative kids who would rather run and play in the dirt. You can't tell that I am constantly rearranging my scarf so it hides my belly and pulling up my jeans because they just don't "feel right." You don't hear me yelling at them to NOT GET DIRTY or IF YOU MESS UP YOUR HAIR...

For 1/8th of a second we appear to HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER.

And I could leave you with that impression. I think that is where a lot of women find insecurity. They see a minute glimpse of someone else's life and they immediately see how their reality stacks up against that visual.

In my experience, EPIC FAIL.

As the shutter continues to click away I see the truth about my life.

I get angry.


People fail me.


People disengage.


And sometimes it makes me want to run away.


But, in this case, I want to come back...


because I would rather have all this than nothing at all.


As for FAMILY PICTURE DAY O' FUN 2011 (aka, the "day I own the kids") I take comfort in knowing that it's still 10 months away. Maybe during that time I can work out some of my *ALLEGED* control issues.

I know you are all going to tell me to RELAX. That is probably what I would say if I were you.

And I agree.

But, sometimes, I just want to hang on to the 1/8th second of pure awesome.

Passion.

First of all...WOW! You, my friends, are amazing women! So encouraging, honest and kind. It's a funny thing, honesty. You live your life, you do your thing, you think you are alone but after a little raw-ness you realize that YOU WERE NEVER ALONE. NOT EVEN CLOSE!

You blessed me. Thank you.

Second of all, if you are my pastor you are about to get a second shout-out today. But I feel pretty safe knowing that my pastor doesn't waste his precious time reading the wandering thoughts of a snot-covered mommy with elastic pants. Pretty sure he has a million and one OTHER THINGS to do.

(But, Joe, if you are reading...I think you are just great!)

Along with teaching about JOY, he has spent time encouraging and challenging each of us to find our PASSION in life. Over the course of a few months people have began to share their passion. Which, of course, triggers a deep sense of insecurity in me because I lack a passion.

Maybe it's not lacking in me...maybe it's just the word "PASSION." It's a BIG, SCARY word for someone who can't easily identify theirs. It conjures up guilt in me, selfishness even. My heart wants a passion, but my brain says, "how selfish to think about anything other than your family."



Of course, there is nothing more important to me than my husband and kids. But is that all I am? Isn't there something in me that is JUST MINE? Something that makes my face light up and my wheels turn?

Oh, here comes the guilt voice again.

"Your children, your husband and your home should be all those things."

God is funny about taking something and making a THEME of it. Since this passion series came up at church I have been in more conversations with people where I can easily identify theirs.

**A grandmother who devotes her time to learning how to take wonderful pictures.

**Lady at church has a passion for helping Hispanic women clothe and feed their children.

**Many families whose heart belongs on another continent waiting for adoption.

**Young woman who gave up an entire year of her single-ness to join a missionary race around the globe.

**Young man has a heart for traveling to Jerusalem and taking his baby sister.

**Mom who started designing clothes for her daughters and now has a booming business.

**Friend so committed to seeing others get healthy that she started a Boot Camp in her area.

I could go on and on, but the thing is a whole lot of people have a PASSION for something bigger than themselves. And in all of these cases I believe they are God-given.

So, that leads me to wonder about myself.

Heaven help me, here is my list of what I could be "passionate" about...

**sarcasm
**coffee
**napping
**watching every episode of Friends

But something bigger?

I just don't see it...

I hope to find it, and with it the WOMAN that God designed without a trace of insecurity, guilt or shame!

What about you? What is your PASSION? What makes your wheels turn?

As if you couldn't get enough of me, me, me.

I've been tagged by Dee at Will Blog For Shoes. She is such a fun mommy and blogger. Check out her site. Anyway, she tagged me for the 5 THINGS MEME. Since I just posted 100 things all about me, I don't know if I have anything left that won't bore you to tears.

But I will try!

5 things I want to do before I die:

• love on my grandbabies
• own a vacation home with my sweet man
• decorate our bedroom (4 years and counting...)
• take a trip around the world
• see our children live for the Lord

5 things I can do:

• sew
• laugh at myself
• scuba dive
• talk for hours
• Guitar Hero...I ROCK

5 things I cannot do:

• whistle
• sing
• math harder than Kindergarten
• balance a checkbook
• say no to a flea market tea cup in pristine condition

5 things that make a man attractive to me:

• honesty
• lover of the LORD and lives it
• good sense of humor
• kindness
• man hands...probably have checked out your man's hands. This baby has the most incredible future "man hands".

5 celebrities I crush on: ( I am so seriously out of the loop on this)

• This baseball player is a man that lives for the Lord.
• Isn't he adorable?
• With or without the gun.
• LOST but still cute.
• Gotta hear his voice...

5 (plus) friends that I would like to see tackle this: NO PRESSURE...do it if you want to.

• Shelley
• Alana
• Michelle
• Jen
• Dawn
• Celeste
• Dixie...yeah, right.