Raw.

You know the feeling when you are driving through thick, dense fog? Fog so thick you fear you won't see the car in front of you, or the direction that you need to take. You can only see inches in front of you forcing you to slow down. Hopefully in the slower tense pace you find yourself muttering a desperate prayer for help. Because that prayer may be the only thing saving you from being swallowed up in the fog, or worse.

Well, that was 2010.

OK, maybe that is a little dramatic. But sometimes reality is full of drama!

That is exactly how I have felt this year. This is the year that things got hard. Really, really hard. Friendships were tested and some lost, finances were strained, secure jobs became unstable, parenting sprouted severe insecurities, our calendar reached maximum capacity, my metabolism changed, the mundane became even more mundane. And I went missing. My spark died out.

On many occasions I let the fog roll in around me and take me away. I didn't have the strength to survive it, much less see through it. I gave in.

This should be the time when I tell you that I turned to my Bible and let God carry me through this storm. I wish I could say that. It seems like I found even more excuses not to that very thing. Yet, strangely enough, I can say that I have never felt closer to God, or more loved.

Our pastor spent a significant time this year talking about "Pure Joy". Joy that only comes in the midst of crisis and darkness. I sat through many Sundays not getting it. How can I have JOY when life is crumbling around me? It hit me one day after a phone call with a dear friend. When life is good and the riches are piling up, you don't recognize joy. But when darkness settles in and you can't make your way through it, you find the purest form of God's love.

Here is an example from my life this year. Our puppy was in a freak accident and needed three surgeries to heal. Finances have been so strained this year that Skip and I weren't sure we could afford to keep going with her treatments and hospitalization. We were days away from putting her to sleep. When the vet called to tell us she needed to have the third surgery I knew in my heart we couldn't afford it and needed to end this. Out of the goodness of his heart, our vet took away all the remaining costs of our puppy's care. He wanted to see her healed and returned to our family...AT NO ADDITIONAL COST TO US.

It was at that moment that I felt God whisper to my heart regarding His definition of joy. It's the little gifts He gives us. This was a pretty extravagant gift, but it took this act of kindness for me to see what joy means.

Pure joy is
...the perfect timing of a phone call
...it's a child's much needed nap time
...it's a clean house
...it's a sweet word from my husband
...it's in my home when my kids are getting along
...it's in a one-on-one lunch with a friend
...it's in telling the truth...the hard truth
...it's in an offer from my mom to take the kids
...it's in a smile from the clerk who knows how hard it is to shop with a toddler.

It's the moments that God gives us to HEAL some of the hard. Make it more BEARABLE.

Once I recognized what Joy means in God's economy the fog has lifted. The circumstances of the fog haven't...life is still beating us down. But I can see God's offering to me. He is handing me joy on a silver platter. Every day.

My hope this new year is to continue to see the joy in the mundane and hard. To see the richness in suffering. It is for a purpose.

Before you get all worried about me, I am really OK. The suffering of this year has been good, too. It has caused Skip and I to make some decisions on how we spend our time and reduce the waste on the calendar. It has turned our family inward. There is nothing greater than being home together. It has quieted down the noise. I value these changes. I like not having a full calendar. I have fallen in love with Skip again watching him navigate his own pain. I wouldn't trade any of it!

My hopes in starting this blog again is to find the WOMAN in the MOMMY. I hope by slowing things down and appreciating life more, I will savor this season. I love you all and have missed our connection on the pages of our blogs.

Here's to a fresh start!