I sent my first-born out the door deflated and rejected.
I am sick to my stomach.
I wake the kids up at 7:15 so they can shower, dress, eat and brush teeth all before 8:20. The reward for doing things fast is to have a few minutes to lounge and watch TV. Langley always moves fast. She is a worker. I love that about her. So she always gets time on the couch and her pick of shows. Hard work pays off for her.
Zeb, on the other hand, is just like me. Procrastinate, much? But even for him today was pretty extreme. He fell back to sleep until 8:00 which left only time for RUSHING AND PANICKING AND TENSION.
The curse of the procrastinator.
My anger rose to the top today. No matter how much I tell myself to stay calm, I can't with him. He pushes all the buttons in me that I have recognized as defaults in the way I am wired. My weaknesses are his weaknesses. And together we ride the tide of emotions and failure.
The same minute that our sweet neighbor pulled up to take them to school, he realized that he messed up his hair putting on his sweatshirt. It wasn't bad but he is a perfectionist and a FREAKER-OUTER. He lost it.
I lost it.
I yelled things at him that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy.
I shoved him out the door and slammed it behind him.
No hug.
No "I love you".
No wave.
Nothing.
I saw him turn back once just to see if I was there.
I wasn't.
Shoulders down, he walked towards the car.
I am a JERK sometimes.
As soon as they drove off I went to find my phone. I needed to call him. I needed him to know that I loved him. Just then, the phone rang. It was Zeb. I cried as I told him how sorry I was about the way I handled this morning. I reassured him of my love for him. But I wonder what damage this might cause. Is this how he will remember me?
I had a choice. Today (*most days*) I chose wrong. I am embarrassed and ashamed.
How can I stop myself from choosing wrong tomorrow?
Jesus, help me. I can't do this without you.
14 comments:
Dang, you just made me cry. I think we all fail this way...we just do it in the privacy of our own homes... I HATE it when my ugly mama voice comes out. Even while it's happening, I know I should stop it, but I don't.
I am hopeless and powerles without Jesus.
seriously, i just teared up - and i'm not even a mommy. your writing is beautiful janelle.
Made me cry too. But the answer is in the last line... and I cry it out often myself. Love your writing, Janelle... love YOU.
I can definitely relate and I also think, is my son going to have memories of me with my mean voice, irritated at him and his perfectly normal 4.5 year old ways?
I think children are very forgiving when you admit you weren't patient and ask for forgiveness, which you did.
I have asked my son to tell me when I'm not being patient/calm. It's amazingly effective in helping me to stop in my tracks and assess how I am behaving/speaking, instead of whatever minor irritation is setting me off.
I also find that PRETENDING to be patient is just as good as actually feeling patient! :) Not only can my kids not tell the difference, but it affects how I feel.
Not to try to give you unsolicited advice, just coming from a place where I've definitely been guilty of the same thing and am also trying to work on controlling my reactions to be the patient and gentle mother that my children deserve.
Grace, my friend. Grace. We cannot do this alone. Not one of us. We aren't meant to. He doesn't even ask us to. And He doesn't see our mistakes when He looks at us, He sees us as perfect and righteous. How cool is that? Seriously. We have all had days and moments like this. Every one of us. The absolute best thing you can do in these instances is do exactly what you did. Admit that you messed up, ask them to forgive you, and tell them how much they are loved. THAT is what He will remember. I guarantee it. Love you.
oh how many time shave i been here... can't even count.
this procrastinator has learned this if i'm not intentional i end up being irrational. i HAVE to do/prepare everything i can in the evening to make the already crazy mornings sane.
this means kids are showered, clothes picked out, lunches and backpacks packed (one kid at traditional school, the other two home school). being a few steps ahead gives us mostly peaceful mornings.
i've seen to much of a pattern if i don't, and that mommy guilt is worse than the worse that is brought out in me on an insane a.m.
now, may God give you peace, tell you who you are in him. tell you how He delights in you. help you begin again in Him. Cause you to live in His love already lavished on you, and cause that love to spill out of you onto your family (just as i know you desire it too).
You know I am crying, because this is my life also!!! Can I just create a blog and say..."See Snot and kisses" At least you did get to talk to him before school. I usually don't get that chance and am so mad, don't want the chance til after school. I so wish this was so much easier! Why can't they just understand...WE ARE THE SMARTER ONE!!! UGH!!! Praying for all parents like us!
Love your honesty!
Oh mercy me are we alike or what? I hate how angry I get at Ellie. And half the time I realize it's not her fault, or at least not all her fault, and yet I find myself condemning her. Ugh. I have yelled things at her that I would be horrified over if I heard someone else speaking to their child that way. So why can't I stop myself? You pray for me, and I'll pray for you.
A trip to Cold Stone after school will heal all wounds. No worries, sweet mama. There is no damage done. What satan means for evil, God means for good. Love you!
wow I do this way too often, it makes me so sad that kids may only remember that about me when they get older doubtful but i still go there. Gods grace is so sweet though.... how do we change this though, its like i am a volcano waiting to errupt
Seriously could not have asked for better friends! It was a hard morning, but I went to school in the afternoon to give him a quick hug. All is well!
Love you all so much for taking the time to share your truth with me. This is a hard job! Let's keep encouraging one another!
i cried reading this too... i am guilty of this as well. when i feel rushed, hurried, or feel like we are going to be late it isn't pretty. i am trying to so hard to learn and do better. you are so right i can NOT do it without God.
you are a wonderful mommy and beautiful inside and out. i know that the mommy guilt lasts longer than the time it takes our kids to forgive us and move on. i struggle with that guilt and need to learn to give myself grace or then the lies start to set in.
we are all on a learning curve and our kids know we aren't perfect and they love us unconditionally. thank the lord!
This is NOT how he will remember you! Forgiveness and restoration are a beautiful gift. Our kids don't need us to be perfect parents....just real ones. Beautiful story of how "He's still working on you".....and ME TOO!!!!
Oh, Janelle, so many of my days are like this. Too many.
I wish we lived, like, a lot closer. I really need someone to fail with.
Love you!
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