Astronomy fail.

Have you ever had a day where you just saw the world more clearly? Where everything is in focus and sharp. You feel alive and refreshed and really, really AWESOME.

That was last Wednesday for me.

I was ON.

And I was LOVING it because I know how rare those days are for me.

Not once did I lose my patience with the countless, "why's" coming from the backseat. I embraced each of them as a learning opportunity. I taught Wit about shadows and light, sunshine and shade. We stared up at the clouds and saw whales and airplanes and Santa. We ran in a field of dandelions and twirled until I almost threw up.

I just couldn't stop the awesome.

{really hope you can hear the sarcasm here}

Anyway, sometime during the day I realized the source of all this energy.  It came in the form of a white chocolate mocha.  I was fully caffeinated, which is rare.  Days like this make me wonder why I ever gave up caffeine in the first place.

I kept waiting for the crash.  The caffeine coma that happens about 5 hours after a really strong drink.  But it never hit.  I never crashed.  I just kept getting more awesome! {sarcasm, again.}

As I was driving the kids after school we saw the moon in the bright blue sky.  Every time this happens, Wit screams at the moon and tells it to, "GET BACK TO CHINA."  You know, because every three year old cares about time zones and moon cycles.

Oh silly child. 

I thought it best to use this as an amazing opportunity to teach my precious children astronomy.  We pulled into the garage and I proceeded to get two balls, one big and one small.  The big one I called EARTH and the small ball I called THE SUN.

{did you catch that, cause I sure didn't}

I assumed my best teacher voice and proceeded to instruct my two youngest about the daily cycle of the sun rotating around the earth.  With the big ball of EARTH in one hand, I moved the small SUN around it and said,

"We are on the top of the Earth and when the sun is above us, it is daytime.  When the sun rotates below us, it is night for us but day for the countries on the bottom.  And the sun does this every day."

everysingleday

FACT:  The sun rotates around the Earth everyday.  I had visual aids to prove it which immediately makes it 87% more legit.

Somewhere along my unforgettable astronomy lesson, Zeb walked up.  He listened for about half a minute before he interrupted and said,

"Mom, really?  REALLY?  Are you kidding?  Why are you LYING to them?"

He's eleven.  What could he possibly know about astronomy.  This was MY MOMENT.  Mine and my rockin' visual aids.  I'm at the top of my game.


"Son, I am not LYING to them, I am teaching them about how the sun rotates around the earth everyday making night and day."  sheesh

"Mom???  Are you OK?"

"Um, yeah.  I'm MORE than OK.  Why?"

"Oh, I don't know...BECAUSE YOU ARE WRONG!!!  {insert really annoying tween boy laughter.  I am sure you don't have to use your imagination.}  The sun doesn't revolve around the earth AT ALL.  And you have the size of the balls all wrong.  The big ball is the sun and the little ball is the earth.  THE EARTH SPINS AROUND THE SUN AND IT TAKES A WHOLE YEAR.  A WHOLE YEAR, MOM"

Now the tween boy laughter just got louder and louder and louder and more annoying.  In fact, it was starting to hurt a little.  Finally, he walked away.

"Hey, Dad?  You should hear what mom just said about the sun and the earth.  I JUST SCHOOLED HER"

aaaaaannnnd, the teacher becomes the student.

I guess all the awesome had worn off somewhere in the field of dandelions and twirling.

Which, I nailed, by the way.

A Blonde Walks into the Grocery Store.

For sake of convience, I will play the part of the "blonde" in this story.

A blonde walks into the grocery store. She has 5 things to buy and has memorized them. It was quite the feat for the blonde to memorize her list. She has so many other important things on her brain. But she accomplished it. Apples, sausage, fritos, milk, cream cheese. She even bought a couple of extra things her family would appreciate.

That blonde. She is always thinking of others.

She is very proud of the fact that she did her shopping in just a mere 10 minutes. She will be back to her hungry family in no time.

That blonde. She is so good at time management.

She proceeded to the checkout counter and got her items on the conveyor belt in a flash. The clerk rang them in while mouthing the words to "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" The clerk then gave the blonde the total. In a jiffy, she had her credit card out to pay.

That blonde. She sure knows the ropes at the grocery store.

"Credit or Debit?" mumbles the clerk.

"Oh, yes. I am pregnant. Thanks for asking!" cheers the blonde.

That blonde. She makes friends wherever she goes.

You should read all about the Blonde Walks into McDonalds. She will crack you up!

Mommy Math

For those of you that know me, math is one of my strongest interests. I strive to figure out any problem that comes my way no matter how long it takes me. I love numbers and can compute quickly and accurately in my head. I am a Math Whiz, a human computer.

What? Why are you laughing?

Oh, you don't believe a word of that?

You want the truth? OK, I stink at math. There. Are you happy now?

I can't add without my fingers and I certainly can't compute in my head without getting dizzy. But I can do Mommy Math.

For example,

LEGOs + soft music = 45 minutes of peace and quiet so Mommy can lay on couch undisturbed.

1 intense craving for Nestle Crunch Ice Cream Bar + 2 kids + a good 3 minutes before they find me = Mommy having to shove the whole thing in her mouth while hiding in the garage.

Nasty smell from laundry room + forgotten towels in the washer = break time is over for Mommy.

Children's bedtime - daddy + frazzled & cranky mommy = DRAMA times infinity!!

Mommy Math is simple and fun. Anyone lacking sleep and personal privacy for long periods of time can master this.

What is your equation?

Do You Want a Hot Apple Pie With That?

I am the BIGGEST dork. I have this horrible history with McD's. They probably have my picture up somewhere in their training rooms. Back in 1991, I worked at McD's for all of 2 months. I finally made it to "Fry Girl" before I quit for a better job (sorry Tod!). I vaguely remember the uniform, something with vertical stripes. I don't look good in vertical stripes. Although, my "better job" had Hawaiian shirts for their uniform. I don't look good in Hawaiian either.

Recently, I have placed my order to a trash can and had Z question what animal he was eating. But today was, bar none, the worst. After jumping up and down because they now serve Iced Coffee and digging Z's shoes out of the trash, I begin to place my order.

1 Chicken Nugget Happy Meal with fries and chocolate milk.
1 Cheeseburger Happy Meal, plain, with apples and chocolate milk.
1 Double Cheeseburger made like a Big Mac (saves $1.22 to leave off the 2nd bun...FYI)
1 Large Vanilla Iced Coffee (don't get the large unless you want to drink it for 3 days...FYI)

McD guy: "Do you want an apple pie with that?"
Me: "APPETIZERS? You now have APPETIZERS? WOW, Iced Coffee and appetizers!"
McD guy (now visibly sweating): "AA-pppp-lllll-eeee PPPPP-IIII-EEEE."

Maybe this might be the dumbest thing I have done at McD's, or maybe it's just another reason to get the hearing aid. This truly happened...ask Pam! She looked on as they took my picture for the "Biggest Dork EVER!"