The Hatch

I am writing this while hammers and drills are pounding and buzzing beneath my feet. After reading the comments from my last post regarding Z's BIG MOVE. I was touched at the mommy's heart that you all expressed. This will be a hard transition, but hopefully we will all make it through. In 15-20 years, we won't remember any different.

One feature I would love to put in his new bathroom is a hatch. Not for dirty clothes, mind you. But a human boy hatch. I am picturing a ladder or skinny staircase that he could climb up and into our closet. That way he wouldn't feel so far away in the middle of the night.

Can you tell I am having a hard time with this?

During the planning stages, I told Skip about my great idea. He didn't smile, or laugh, or more importantly, agree. His only comment was that I had to tell the builders that I want our 6 year old to climb a 10 foot ladder at 3am AND that I want a sizable hole cut into our closet floor. If I have the nerve to tell them, then THE HATCH is ours.

Wisdom flows from that man.

When you say it like that it does sound a tad bit ridiculous and possibly life-threatning. So, thank you, my sweet Amber, for your idea. Honestly, walkie talkies NEVER crossed my mind. I think that might just do the trick.

And they sound a little less fatal.

My poor, unfortunate blog.

My poor blog. My poor readers. Nothing to read except for Nerd's removal and my attitude adjustment. My biggest apologies.

Actually, I have thought about blogging all the mundane things happening in my life. But the words are never there. They are not flowing.

It is really sad when Skip comments everyday that he needs my updates. He is waiting on pins and needles just to see my name in bold on Bloglines. Well, he is sure to disappointed with this one. But here goes...

For the moment life is quiet. Change is right around the corner and we can all feel it, especially Z-man.

We are just starting a minor remodeling job to add a bathroom and closet for him. He is moving downstairs to a larger bedroom to make room for baby. He wavers between excitement and nervousness. We are trying to really celebrate the fact that he is our big boy with the most privileges. He expresses his insecurities at night as we put him to bed. There have been many times that he has shared (through tears) that he would rather share a room with the baby.

It is a bittersweet change for him. He wants to be big and brave, but really he is still so little. I hate to see him having to grow up so fast. Even though our downstairs is very open, it does seem like he is moving far away from me. I haven't showed him this. I show him my brave and excited face. I show him my strength and hope that he believes it. It does break my heart a little. But I know we must do it. We have no other options. I just pray that his little heart can take this change and not feel like it's a punishment.

*sigh*

Other news, the baby is kicking away. The pregnancy is going so fast, 23 weeks down and 17 to go. I am feeling great and having so much fun being pregnant now. It is also bittersweet knowing that this will be our last baby. As crazy as it sounds, I am missing the morning sickness. I feel sad to know that I will never feel that way again because of a new pregnancy.

That is CRAZY talk. I know. But it is true. Every time I think that I should slow down and savor this moment, another week has passed. The moments that I hope to never forget are when the kids can feel him kicking. The smile and joy on their faces is the absolute best feeling in the world.

Changes are in the works. They will come with warmer weather, sunshine and longer days. They are around the corner. But for now, we are quiet and calm. I am happy to be here.

Even in the midst of remodeling...

So, my poor, unfortunate blog. I hope you don't feel too neglected. You are loved even when I don't show it. I think about you more than you know.

FYI

Rumor has it that stuffing NERDs candy up your nose at bedtime prevents you from falling asleep for hours and hours.

Not that we have tried that around here or anything. Oh, no.

I am just guessing...

Stuck in the 1500's

What day is this? Where am I?

I have been stuck in the 1500's spying on King Henry VIII and The Other Boleyn Girl.. I have one word for you.

FASCINATING!!

I have rediscovered my first love of reading. Real books with real pages. You know, the ones you have to turn. And I love it! I have neglected my pile of books for about a year. They have stacked up while I have spent HOURS UPON HOURS on the computer reading blogs. I have loved reading about you and your lives and your kids.

It was not time wasted, I will assure you.

But the books have been calling my name. Wooing me to them. If you know me then you know I love to read. My favorite genre is Historical Fiction. Somehow I missed all these incredible stories in high school and college. I was probably too busy worrying about my hair or prom or my increasingly bad driving record. You know, all the important stuff that 18 year olds think about.

Not once did King Henry VIII cross my mind. I had to Wikipedia him just to find the history behind his selfish desires and his six wives. Let me tell you that the political ring in Washington DC have nothing on these people. I guess all's fair in love and war.

So, that is where I have been lately. Considering my last 2 posts, I am sure you thought Skip finally checked me into the nut house. But I am here. I am sane. I am still smiling. Reading has calmed my frazzled nerves and given me another reason to be selfish.

I have even managed to feed my children once today. Even if it was with a book in hand.

Smile.

There is a big one on my face tonight. The kind of smile that you can feel without your lips turned upwards. You can feel it radiating through your body as it lights up your eyes. Or, rather it could be described as Peace.

Tonight, I am at peace.

After reading your love for me in yesterday's comments and hearing a sense of community, I feel stronger. I know that I am not alone. I was feeling like I was the only one struggling with anger and selfishness and all the other ugly things that go with darkness. Your words spoke volumes to me. Not only am I not alone, but I am completely sane.

Thank you for being so gentle with my broken heart. I agonized over sharing that post. You all treated me with such care and love that my heart burst with joy and renewed purpose. Today was a good day. My house remained at peace. No angry words were spoken. No punishments were needed. My children responded favorably to my state of mind. Their sweet natures poured out of them. It was like a salve for my weak and crumbled soul.

So I smile.

Thank you all for loving this imperfect mom. I would never want any of you to think that I have it all together. I am just a women in need of a Savior trying to do the best she can. I have taken strength from your love and you have made a difference. Never stop praying for one another.

Houston, we have a problem.

I have approached melt-down. I may self combust at any time. Look away people, this isn't pretty.

Or light.

Or funny.

This is real life.

I am in a slump. Or rather a fog, darkness. Nothing has changed on the outside. Yet I can tell my insides are black as night. I am not emitting much Light right now.

I am letting life suck me dry. At every twist or turn, I become angry, negative, whiny. I have turned this on my family. You would probably never know I have been struggling. I have been nice to you in person and on your blogs. I haven't been nice to my family.

I have yelled more than I care to admit. I have been rude, sarcastic, withdrawn, unstable. The depths of my selfishness and anger have scared me. What have I become? What am I allowing myself to do?

"For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate....For the good that I want, I do not do,but I practice the very evil that I do not want." Romans 7:15, 19

This is everyone's struggle. If the apostle Paul could write these words, then I know every single one of us can relate. Whether it is overeating, gossip, laziness or anger. We all know better, but do what we hate.

I don't want to live here in this darkness. I want to have victory over my emotions, my anger. I want to be better than myself. I want to grow and change and live in freedom.

My only hope is in Jesus. He will make my path straight. He will show me the way out of this pit. He is ready to fight for me. He knows that I am worth it.

"The horse is prepared for the day of battle. But victory belongs to the Lord." Proverbs 21-31

A Blonde Walks into the Grocery Store.

For sake of convience, I will play the part of the "blonde" in this story.

A blonde walks into the grocery store. She has 5 things to buy and has memorized them. It was quite the feat for the blonde to memorize her list. She has so many other important things on her brain. But she accomplished it. Apples, sausage, fritos, milk, cream cheese. She even bought a couple of extra things her family would appreciate.

That blonde. She is always thinking of others.

She is very proud of the fact that she did her shopping in just a mere 10 minutes. She will be back to her hungry family in no time.

That blonde. She is so good at time management.

She proceeded to the checkout counter and got her items on the conveyor belt in a flash. The clerk rang them in while mouthing the words to "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" The clerk then gave the blonde the total. In a jiffy, she had her credit card out to pay.

That blonde. She sure knows the ropes at the grocery store.

"Credit or Debit?" mumbles the clerk.

"Oh, yes. I am pregnant. Thanks for asking!" cheers the blonde.

That blonde. She makes friends wherever she goes.

You should read all about the Blonde Walks into McDonalds. She will crack you up!