Five.

Ponderings.

Today it is raining and dark which lends itself to reflection. I have spent most of today snuggling under the covers, listening to the rain and whatever movie Lou was watching at the time.

And my mind has been wandering.

For the past two years, Skip and I have had the great debate about whether to add a third child, or not. We were pretty divided into two different camps. One held tight to the "yes", and the other to the "no". Life moved on from day to day, but every so often this discussion would take place. Every time it was the same two votes. We would let it drop for weeks, months at a time before talking about it again.

But for me, it was always there. Always in the back of my mind. It felt like we were missing somebody. Somebody really special and important. We would be on vacation and I would be sad that we didn't have that person with us. We would have Family Movie Night and I would think about this child and wonder if it would ever exist.

This topic began to seep into more of our everyday life and decisions, When we would talk about our future, it was different. Our ten year goals looked different. We weren't acting like a team. We were divided. Skip and I both knew that without a neutral perspective and wisdom we would continue to grow more and more divided. We needed help.

In came our pastor. Our pastor is a man who believes in truth. He doesn't handle idle chit-chat very well. He wants you to get to the heart of the matter. He knows that is where God's power lies. So one night after putting kids to bed, he came over to listen. Listen to our hearts. Listen to our truth. He asked some questions, but basically he listened.

From that night came intense praying about our family's future. We both knew we couldn't stay divided for long. We had to decide, we had to come together. The decision was compromise.

We decided that we would let God decide what was best for our family.

Duh! Such a novel thought.

But it was hard to let go of control. We decided that we would "try" for 5 months. At the end of that time, we would either be pregnant or we would be closing that chapter in our lives. We were both at peace with this decision and ready to move forward in God's will.

Two months later as I stared at those 2 pink lines, I worried about Skip. I worried that he would be disappointed or mad at God for deciding in my favor. I worried for nothing. I saw pure joy when I looked into his eyes. He was genuinely happy about this baby. He has been with me through every appointment, every ache, every nauseating moment, every pound added to the scale. He has been there.

Just when I think I couldn't love this man more. I see him fathering our children. I see him coaching our teams. I see him loving our friends. I see him sweetly holding this baby in just 5 days.

His tender touch telling this baby that he is loved and very much wanted. My heart might just explode.