"Downward Facing Dog"

I am off to exercise class...more specifically Yoga. Have all my essentials, yoga mat, hand sanitizer, lip gloss, and sweatshirt to tie around my waist disguising the body part that needs yoga-izing. Oh drats, running late. That means one thing...I will have to be up front by the mirror. NO hiding for me.

Open the door way too fast...disturbing the peace and calm for the other yoga-centered minds already starting to warm up. Try to unroll my mat without causing a scene. Off with the shoes, socks and sweatshirt (which I immediately regret.) Realize that I have a wedgie and all eyes are on me. Not a good way to reach down and disengage. It will have to wait.

Janice tells us to breathe into the "Mountain Pose." What?

One quick look in the mirror and I feel confident. This one is basically standing..no problem. I got this yoga thing down. But that confidence quickly dissolves into utter confusion.

"Inhale your right leg down your mat, exhale your left leg." Wait...was that exhale first, then inhale? Which is first, right or left? Finally find the "Downward Facing Dog" and my confidence returns. I can do this. I am breathing, I am slow and controlled, I am doing the absolute wrong thing. I am not sure that was yoga. More like Elaine Dance meets Jane Fonda (quite good at Elaine Dance, by the way. Sort of a claim-to-fame!)

Oh, snap. She is looking my way. Try to stay "calm"...try to look like I am "modifying for your comfort"...try to look "centered and balanced"...remember to breathe!

Moving on to the seriously insane and equally impossible pose called "The Crow." You start by squatting really low, which is not helping the aforementioned wedgie situation. Then you balance your entire body on your elbows supported by your wrists. I don't know...Google it. That is all I can tell you about that, except that I almost needed stitches.

"Excellent, Janelle." What did I do? Try desperately to remember in case she looks my way again. I am glad I did that...whatever it was.

"Breathe through your eyelids." Where do they get this stuff? Being motivated by praise, I really wanted to get this right...so I closed my lids thinking I could breathe through them better if they were closed. Wrong-O. I fell. Once again, I disrupted the peace and serenity around me. Got a half-look from pajama girl. Didn't know I could exercise in jammy pants--I may try that next time.

Finally, we are to the part that I excel at. Relaxing. "Clear your mind of everything, and let go." Done.

Bottom line: I am not flexible, I am not strong, I have zero idea how to breathe through body parts, I have very little balance...but I had fun. I did my best. Thank you, Janice and all like-minded yoga people (even you, jammy girl). I will be back. Next time, I won't be late. Walk out the door with my sweatshirt securely fastened around my waist.