Or light.
Or funny.
This is real life.
I am in a slump. Or rather a fog, darkness. Nothing has changed on the outside. Yet I can tell my insides are black as night. I am not emitting much Light right now.
I am letting life suck me dry. At every twist or turn, I become angry, negative, whiny. I have turned this on my family. You would probably never know I have been struggling. I have been nice to you in person and on your blogs. I haven't been nice to my family.
I have yelled more than I care to admit. I have been rude, sarcastic, withdrawn, unstable. The depths of my selfishness and anger have scared me. What have I become? What am I allowing myself to do?
"For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate....For the good that I want, I do not do,but I practice the very evil that I do not want." Romans 7:15, 19
This is everyone's struggle. If the apostle Paul could write these words, then I know every single one of us can relate. Whether it is overeating, gossip, laziness or anger. We all know better, but do what we hate.
I don't want to live here in this darkness. I want to have victory over my emotions, my anger. I want to be better than myself. I want to grow and change and live in freedom.
My only hope is in Jesus. He will make my path straight. He will show me the way out of this pit. He is ready to fight for me. He knows that I am worth it.
"The horse is prepared for the day of battle. But victory belongs to the Lord." Proverbs 21-31
18 comments:
Praise the the Lord, Janelle that we prepare for battle BUT, that the victory belongs to HIM!!! You don't have to do it on your own (can't do it on your own!). Rest in the peace of the Lord. Rest under the Almighty's wings.
You are so right. We all struggle to do what is right. What we WANT to do, but yet, we all fall and do what we don't want to do. What a wonderful, open post.
Pray for me... and I will be praying for you.
Hello, Twin!!! :) You're right - we are so right there, aren't we?? As you said - I could have written these words. Thank you for inserting the encouragement -- we are both worth it, and you're right -- He's ready. Praying for you, my friend!!
Oh, and btw - I have my u/s in 2 weeks and my hubby is being a big boobyhead (technical term) and doesn't want to find out. So -- sigh-- we won't. Aren't I nice??
Big hugs. Seriously - it makes me feel a little less crazy to know that crazy exists in your world, too. Here's to brighter updates from both of us very soon.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this right now. It's a struggle we all face. You know, I was that way last night because I wasn't particularly nice to my hubby.
Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May the words of my mouth & the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, My Rock & My Redeemer. (Psalm 19:13-14)
I have that scripture on a postcard on my desk...it's one I need to refer to often!
Hmmm...well, I'm in this boat with you! January was just not a good month for me at all & I was finding myself doing the very same things you were describing.
Some friends encouraged me with these tips:
1. Give yourself some grace right now. Your body is creating a new life (the baby part didn't apply to me:)and lots are going on hormonally.
2. Take some time for just yourself. Coffee, bookstore..whatever it is, but something in which you don't have to give of yourself, but just have some refreshment for yourself.
3.The most important..which it sounds like you're doing...soak yourself in the Word and seek Him. Like you said, all we need is Jesus and He's going to be the only one to get us truly through the ugliness in our hearts. It was very humbling for me.
I will say a prayer for you Janelle. I know very well your feelings...Come Lord Jesus Come!
Friend, I just sent you an email. I love you and am praying for you and you know as well as anyone that I struggle with MANY of those things you listed!
It is a battle, I believe and in words you once spoke to me in a time of darkness "The battle is already one, HE HAS THE VICTORY!"
Those were great words of comfort to me, I hope they are to you as well!
You are so right we have all been there! Some of us will probably even go back from time to time.
I'm praying for you.
Maybe a Nestle Crunch Ice Cream Bar will help, too! :-)
Oh my sweet friend...I am so sorry you are feeling this way right now. I love you and I am praying for you. I am so glad you had some sweet time with Jesus. HE is your strength and refuge.
I promise from now on when I feel the urge to call you to get together last minute, I will do it.
my heart goes out to you janelle. truly. i can relate and know well the pain of the dark times. my only encouragment is that the other side is there and when you get there it will be glorious. let me know if you ever just need to go grab coffee. i'm available. love you!
I SO feel your pain. It's been a dark day here too. I struggled with many dark days during pregnancy and infanthood with Austin. My temper was more than short, along with my energy. Naps helped me a lot. I'd feel slightly guilty, but I just had no energy by 1 or 2 every day. I finally just gave in, and Oh it was glorious. I'd lay down and rest or sleep for an hour, and I'd have the energy to make it 'till bedtime. I also prayed A LOT. Sometimes it was my lifeline. I suppose it should always be like that. Hang in there, there are brighter days ahead. Give yourself some Grace, as well as your family. You'll make it!
Oh, my sweet friend. You are not alone in these struggles. Doesn't that make you feel better? Thanks for sharing this battle with us and for allowing us a glimpse into your heart.
It is a heart that truly adores her family and longs to know her God more.
You will be fine. This will pass and a lesson will be learned.
For now, give yourself grace. God does.
No more Funk!
Just say NO...to funk!
Janelle - i wish I could give you a big hug right now :) I really do understand. I am like that way too much of the time with my family (my son) and it pains me every time. I am nice and happy and sweet to everyone outside who knows me, but then it is like I let my guard down and am a total (*&& to my family. (the people I love the very most!)
I loved your scriptures. I know that the only way to get help for this is through the power of Christ for I know I cannot do it on my own.
It does help though to know I am not alone in my struggles..and judging from your comments, there are lots of people out there in a similar situation - if that helps :)
Praying you'll feel better soon.
Thank you for the encouragement. The last couple of months have been sort of rough for me personally, so I've been going through this, too.
Just last night my husband and I were talking about it and I was expressing my dismay to him over my feelings and behavior. He encouraged me not to beat myself up about it, saying he was sure that most women/mothers feel this way from time to time. I said, "No, I really think there are some women who DON'T feel this way." (i.e., there are some women who are just so loving, kind and perfectly devoted to their families that they don't ever let themselves get bogged down in these feelings) The person who came immediately to my mind? YOU. Funny how our perceptions are, huh?
Thank you for your honesty, as well as to all the other women on here who are telling me that I am normal, that it's okay and that it will pass.
Lots of love to you, my pregnant sister!
Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart. You have received a lot of encouraging words and truth already from your other blogging friends. I just wanted you to know we have ALL been there. God is MORE than able....may He restore your joy.
"For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." ---Matthew 12:34.
As He molds and changes your heart, may the words you speak to your family reflect this good and fertile soil.
I could have written this one myself. I haven't blogging nearly as often because all that I feel like writing about isn't pretty! LOL! I find a few sane moments and then throw up on a post and wala... while deep inside I feel like I'm in a fog as well. Our hope is in Him. And this too shall pass. Hang in there!
sweet janelle. thanks for being raw. for being real. for being honest. i love it. it's so refreshing. don't get me wrong. i heart the happy-go-lucky super witty janelle. but the real one who says what it is? she's a hoss. a champ. a follower of Christ seeking after Him.
sending some Texan prayers to the midwest for you.
love you, dear.
oh i know how you feel. I have the same battles....and it seems like lately i've been loosing more than i've won....i hope we can both get better on this...with God's help, of course!! =)
Janelle, Janelle, Janelle
(((((((((((((Janelle))))))))))))))
I read this post Friday night and wanted to write back right away and say something like "I've SO been there!!" But I couldn't find the words, and had to sign off. I've thought about you all weekend though, and have been praying for you.
I can tell you that I have been here. And I return to it frequently. I could go on and on about this, but it's probably better if I don't. Just know you're very much not alone.
Still praying for you. Hang in there!
As a mom at the nearly the other end of the spectrum, can I just say you are not a bad person or bad Christian. You are just tired. TIRED. Mothering is difficult work. Stay connected to other women. When you go through a dry spell and reading the Bible and praying just don't seem to be changing you, lean on some mature friends who will be a crutch for a short while, and then encourage you to get back into the game. Blessings!
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