My story. Part 5: Ashes to beauty.

This is the day that I have been so excited to write. I want to shout from the rooftop all the wonderful things God has done for me since I turned back to Him that fateful night.

What I love about God is that He didn't make me jump through hoops, or flog myself enough times to be worthy back into His presence. He scooped me up out of that pit and together we found a new place of healing and restoration. It was THAT simple. For the first time in my life, I felt God was with me and all around me.  I became convinced of my salvation, whereas before I thought I had to be perfect.  I thought of God as a disciplinarian keeping a record of all my wrongs.  With that came the fear of losing my salvation. 

Ahh, sweet Grace.

Now, I wish I could tell you that I immediately got my act together, joined a church and a women's bible study.  I would like to tell you that I have read the bible through twice and have all of proverbs memorized.  It would be so great if I could say that I wake up at 5:30 EVERY MORNING AND TWICE ON SUNDAYS just to have my devotional time.  I would also love to say that I never struggle or sin.  Ever.

Phooey.

I'm still a mess.  I've never read the entire Bible, I've tried and failed several times.  I have a total of three verses memorized and I don't wake up early to spend time with God.  I wish I had that discipline, but I don't.  I sin everyday.  A lot. 

I get angry. 

I get jealous. 

I covet. 

I gossip. 

I mess up all the time.

I'm a sinner and always will be.

Here's the bottom line for me with respect to my story.  I can be a mess WITHOUT God, or I can be a mess WITH God.  I tried going without God and my life turned hopeless really fast.  I would rather live a messy life with God then live a life without Him.  I still struggle with the mystery of God's will.  Why do bad things happen in this world when He could easily stop them?  I don't know the answer to that.  Bad stuff happens everyday to good, innocent people. 

That stinks.

But WITHOUT God, there is no hope that the bad things have a purpose.  I have come to terms with the fact that this world is evil and bad things are going to happen.  I have matured enough to be confident that I WILL NEVER WALK AWAY AGAIN.  Never. 

What satan meant for evil, God meant for good. 

(That's one of the three verses I have memorized)

(Patting myself on the back)

(Can't tell you where it is in the Bible though)

(Google it)

God scooped me up out of that pit and redeemed my ugly past.  Am I proud of who I am even with all that junk?  It took me a long time to say, "YES!"  I can't separate myself from my past.  It dwells inside me to remind me of where I've come from.  It reminds me that I desperately need the hope of Christ.  I can't erase the past and I don't want to anymore. 

It's who I am and where I've been.

God's fingerprints are all over me.  Erasing my past would be erasing His handiwork inside me.  We all have a story.  We all have a past.  Those memories are not meant to condemn us or shame us, they are meant to be a tool for someone else's journey.  Our struggles and our victories can be used on someone else's road to redemption.  God will use our junk for His glory!

Please let it be so.

Thank you so much for taking this journey into the past with me.  I have enjoyed writing this and felt God's protection all around me this week.  I haven't been sad.  I have been refreshed.  Enough time has passed since these events occurred that I can look at them with a mature perspective.  Even if I wasn't walking with the Lord for two years, His hand was still guiding me and protecting me.  He acted just like a parent does with a wayward child.  He let me struggle.  He let me feel pain.  He let me wallow in my bed.  He didn't force me to return.  He was there when I CHOSE to come back.  He forgave me, no questions asked.

Mostly, He never stopped loving me.

Sweet Jesus.

Isaiah 61:3... for those who grieve in Zion, the Lord will bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.




Links:
Why did I write this?
Part 1: The phone call
Part 2: The horror
Part 3: In the meantime
Part 4: The slippery slope